Positive People

Waiting for Friday's appointment was a terribly, painful week. I typically go into these appointments with such hope. Is this the appointment that we move forward? However, by Wednesday I felt like I had already been given the bad news. I had been so down and sad about this journey. I felt that if I let myself feel hope this week, it would make Friday hurt that much more if we get bad news. What a silly way to have spent this week. God wants us to find hope in all things. How could I consider myself a faithful person if I was already so discouraged? How can I trust God to work a miracle if I was already counting this month out?

Well, Wednesday was pretty rough for me emotionally. I held it together enough to get through teaching, but behind the scenes, when the kids were gone, not so much. This semester I have a student-teacher in my room and unfortunately, she definitely picked up on my sadness and discouragement. I was first mad at myself - I am supposed to be showing others I can do this because I have God on my side. I am staying strong because of Him. But Wednesday, I was not that example.

Thursday morning was not much better. However, I walked into my classroom to find my student teacher had beat me to school (impressive considering I get there at the crack of dawn!). Sitting on my desk was a vase of beautiful flowers, chocolates, gold fish crackers, and the most beautiful card.

Courtney,
About the closest way to describe the appreciation and admiration I hold for you is to say it's unending - in actuality, there can be no value for it. In six weeks I've learned more than I ever imagined and will miss the opportunity to continue developing under you dearly. You are such a special teacher...and an even greater person.

We haven't covered this in my unit yet, but before there is a rainbow, there must be rain. Your perseverance yesterday showed all of us why you deserve a beautiful ending. I'm inclined to say that maybe less paperwork in two weeks will help...and maybe a few extra prayers too. I'll do my best at the latter, and not the former! Thank you for everything...everything!

Well, I was instantly in tears! What a beautiful way to begin my day! I was instantly so grateful and thankful. I realized, that even through my pain, I was still an example to her. Through my pain, she still saw my strength to continue on in this journey.

After getting the results Friday, Dr. Devine looked at us and with a smile said, "Okay. Nothing to worry about yet. Let's check back in on Tuesday and see where we are. We're going to get this baby, Courtney, I really believe that."

I just love the practice that we are going to and again, I thank God for directing us to them! What a positive doctor I have. Even when it's not the greatest news, she continues to give us hope and encourage us to stay up. I don't feel like I am "just a patient" there. I feel like they genuinely care about me. I feel comfortable there and I know God has me in good hands.

As we were leaving the office, I had to make a second appointment. When I told the receptionist, she sincerely responded with a deep sigh, "Oh. I was really hoping for you guys. I thought today might be your day. Okay....Tuesday. Tuesday will be your day."

After the appointment, a dear friend of mine from school texted me (a friend who did not yet know about our journey, but it because of this friend that I ever even heard about my doctor): "Hey Court! I just wanted to text you and let you know I am thinking about you. You had the look yesterday that I feel like I have some days. I am inferring through your quotes that you pin on Pinterest that you are I are similar in a way - trying to have faith and hope for our future. I don't want to be too forward, I just wanted to let you know that you and your quotes inspire me and help get through my frustration. And if I have inferred this all wrong...then ignore me!...and you still inspire me." I was so touched and so thankful for this positive text.

Just moments after this text, another good friend called to check on me. She had also been a patient of Dr. Devine. It is so helpful having someone who has been on this journey already. She is one of the only people I know out there who has traveled a similar journey to ours. She understands my impatience, my anger, my hope, and my sadness. It is encouraging to have someone validate everything it is I am feeling. I am thankful that she too had to travel down a painful journey to her sweet baby because she is able to encourage me and pull me along on my journey.

I often find myself getting angry at certain people for not responding the way I expect them. But today, instead of focusing on those who bring me down, I am praising God for the positive and supportive people He has put in my life. I am thankful that during such a difficult week, when I felt too weak to stand myself, I had so many people who saw and helped carry me along. Through their prayers, their texts, and kind words, I made it through a trying week. I cannot linger on the negative, but will praise God for the positive people He has put in my life. I thank God that they reached out to pick me up. I thank God that through my pain I am still impacting and inspiring others. I thank God that through this journey, He is using me and molding me into the person I need to be!

The Waiting Game Continues

Well today was another appointment. It was time to see if the pills had worked or not. Today we would know yay or nay - yes, let's try IUI or no, IVF is the only route for us.

After getting the thumbs down back in August for IUI, I had prepared myself for the worst for this appointment. And not because I wasn't faithful, but because I was so blindsided last time. I couldn't get hit so hard this month if we were told no. I couldn't let myself go back to such a dark place...I had already been there again this week.

So I knew going in today we would hear one of three things:
1.) Femara worked - let's do IUI today
2.) Femara worked - let's do IUI sometime next week
or 3.) Femara didn't work, we'll start IVF in November

And wouldn't you know whenever we think we have it figured out, God says, "Nope, I'm the one in charge," and he throws a fourth possibility into the mix.

Turns out this was kind of an off month for my body. However, there is still one growing follicle, one more chance for IUI this month. It is still pretty small right now, but could still continue growing.

So, the waiting game continues. We go back in next Tuesday.

I left today's appointment feeling good and feeling faithful. Yes, the unknown and the wait is exhausting, but it also gives God more time to work His miracle. It gives us five more days to pray and force God's hand to be moved. It gives us five more days of hope for IUI. It gives us five more days for our faith to grow.

"I'm waiting, I'm waiting on you Lord. And I am hopeful. I'm waiting on You, Lord. Though it is painful, but patiently, I will wait."

Reasons to Be Thankful

I have found myself in a state of anger and self-pity all week. I have found myself questioning why God has us on such a difficult journey, when others have such an easy one. I have found myself angry with those who have their families without (what seems to me) true understanding of how very lucky they actually are. I have found myself asking God, why someone else and not me.

Well today, while driving home from church, I decided to snap out of this. God has a reason for everything. It is not about why someone else is pregnant and not me. It is not about whether someone understands how truly blessed they are. Keal and I need to focus on the miracle that God is working in our lives. We need to be thankful for what we have and not on what we don't or on what others have.

So, instead of complaining, I find my mood has shifted and I find myself in a spirit of praise this afternoon. Yes, I am still hurting and wanting you in my life. But, through that pain, God still deserves his praise. So, things I am thankful for...

• A beautiful fall day. This week has been a terribly rainy and dreary week. Today the sun is out, the sky is blue, and there is a beautiful breeze. While driving home from church we had the windows down just taking in the beauty of this day.
• Singing praises with Keal on the drive home from church. We had the Let Faith Arise CD in the car today. On our drive home from church the two of us were just belting it out, windows down and arms out wide. It was such a sweet moment for the two of us to share. I felt God's spirit with us as we sang the words to "Let Faith Arise," and "While I'm Waiting." I know God has a plan for us and I felt a sense of peace as we sang these songs.
• My wonderful family. Through all the ups and downs of this journey, I know I can count on my family to be there for me. To simply answer a phone call when I need to cry, to hug me when I'm down....whatever I need, they're there for me.

Even amidst the pain and anger of this journey, there are always reason to praise God!

Back In His Arms Again

Great song and great reminder for my down kinda day.

Stronger

 Keal went out of town this weekend for a guy's weekend with his college roommates. Which meant I got to spend the weekend at my parents' house! It was so great to be home and spend time as the five of us again! When I walked in Friday after school, I was greeted with this fabulous assortment of goodies (I have the greatest family! You are one lucky cookie to be inheriting them as your grandparents, aunt, and uncle!):

My mom and I then enjoyed dinner together and time at my dad and brother's football game. Saturday was another girl's day -- brunch out and a little bit of shopping. While out, I unfortunately found out that September is not going to be our miracle month. You are not yet on your way and it's time to start another month of treatments.

I was able to hold it together for awhile, but as always, I had my moment of completely falling apart. This whole journey is just so incredibly exhausting. The highs are wonderful, but the lows are completely devastating. And I know you are the end of these ups and downs, so it i will all be worth it some day soon. Until then, it is easy to get tired and discouraged. A person can only take so many months of hopefully waiting, just to be let down. Again.

Quickly after my meltdown, my mom and I headed to the store to get my prescriptions filled. The song, Stronger, came on in the car. As I've said before with other songs, how this song wasn't written specifically for me and this journey to you is shocking. It is just perfect.

So, through my heartache, tears, anger, and pain today, I will continue to hold on just a little bit longer. I know this is gonna make me stronger. I know this pain can't last forever...you,  my sweet one, are waiting for us on the other side of this journey!

Fertile Myrtle

One thing with this journey that still throws me off....the tiniest things that will make me angry or sad.

Today during lunch a woman made the comment, "Yep. Just call me Fertile Myrtle. My husband could just look at me and we'd be pregnant. It was really always such a nuisance."

Well, I almost lost it. I so badly wanted to say, "Really? A nuisance? Yeah, it must be so terrible being able to get pregnant the way we were intended to. Wanna hear about a nuisance lady? How about taking pills all the time, wearing estrogen patches to counter the crazy pills, giving yourself shots, constant blood work and ultrasounds, peeing on a stick daily just to see "nope, not working," hot flashes, mood swings, depression, nausea, and intense cramping, all to TRY to get pregnant, never knowing if you will be able to have a child of your own....yeah. That's a nuisance. And until you've been there, you can quit your complaining about being able to be a mother."

Yep. That's what I wanted to say. Instead, I politely smiled, gave a phony chuckle with the rest of the lunch group, and continued nibbling on my crackers.

So, this put me on edge today. And once I'm there, it's like I'm looking for more reasons to be angry. And as expected, I was successful. I could tear apart every word that came out of everyone's mouth.

On my drive home, I told myself to snap out of it! I rolled the windows down to enjoy the beautiful fall weather we've been having. I popped in my "Let Faith Arise," CD and began belting it out! The songs are in chronological order of this journey; songs that I know God had me hear during very specific moments throughout this journey. I retraced my steps up to this point -- the highs and the lows.

I found myself so quickly shaken from my anger. I found myself, arms wide out, singing with all my heart, and talking with God. Tears streamed down my face this evening, as I was thanking God for every step of this journey. I even found myself thanking Him for the "Fertile Myrtle," comments I've heard throughout this journey. They will make me that much more thankful for you! Not everyone gets to have such a long journey to their babies....we will love you that much more, little one, because we waited so long and patiently for you!

I found myself praying for you. I am so excited for God to trust me with your life. I cannot wait to welcome you into this family. I know that this journey has made me so much more thankful for things I once took for granted. I find myself with a whole new appreciation for life. I was weeping, driving down the road, thinking of all that awaits us. People say that being a parent is unlike any love you'll ever know. And I know they are right. But let me say, I already love you so much, my precious one. My words are not doing the emotion and love I felt for you while driving home any justice. I just cannot wait for that moment when I look into your eyes and hold you for the first time. If I already love you this much, I can't imagine what that love will be like once you are here.

And now, as I sit here, reflecting on my evening, I find myself thinking, "How repetitive must I sound to God?" Hmmm: get angry with this journey, get sad, get rescued, feel revived, get hope, repeat. I am so thankful to serve such a forgiving and patient God. Thank you God for continually picking me up. Thank you God for forgiving me in my moments of sadness or anger. And thank you God, for always showing yourself to me. Thank you for reminding me that you are always here with us. Thank you for this miracle that you will someday work in our lives!

"Thy Faith Has Made You Whole"

I am sitting on my patio, listening to Christian music, wrapped in a blanket, reading scripture, and sipping hot cocoa as I type these words. It has been such a perfect morning! Today my dad is in Florida for a baptism, so no church here in Oldham County. I decided to spend the morning reading, reflecting, and praying. I could not have started my day in a better fashion! I think I beat everyone in our neighborhood up (including Keal); it was so quiet outside.....just me and God!

Yesterday was spent with my two pregnant sister-in-laws and their families. This was a challenging day for me and I spent most of it in sadness and anger. Having to listen to them comparing baby doctor appointments is just so painful, so I try to stay away (even though I can still hear them). But then I feel even more isolated. It's such a difficult situation to be stuck between.

So, as I walked outside this morning, praying for guidance, I decided to focus on you and what we already have, and not what others have or what we don't have yet. This journey, and an even greater focus this miracle month, has been all about faith, so I decided to do some faith reading.

First (here's the analytical in me!), I looked up the definition.
Faith (n): 
a (1) : belief and trust in and loyalty to God (2) : belief in the traditional doctrines of a religion

b (1) : firm belief in something for which there is no proof (2) : complete trust (3): something that is believed especially with strong conviction; especially : a system of religious beliefs

— on faith: without question 

Then I began reading verses which include faith. I read countless verses this morning, but a few really struck me. The first chapter I read was Mark 2.

Mark 2:8-12: "And immediately when Jesus perceived in his spirit that they so reasoned within themselves, he said unto them, Why reason ye these things in your hearts? Whether is it easier to say to the sick of the palsy, Thy sins be forgiven thee; or to say, Arise, and take up thy bed, and walk? But that ye may know that the Son of man hath power on earth to forgive sins, (he saith to the sick of the palsy,) I say unto thee, Arise, and take up thy bed, and go thy way into thine house. And immediately he arose, took up the bed, and went forth before them all; insomuch that they were all amazed, and glorified God, saying, We never saw it on this fashion."

Every day, I am continually asking God to forgive me of whatever sins I may have. And every day, I believe, whole-heartedly, that these sins are removed. I don't doubt for a moment that I still carry these sins around with me. So then why would I ever doubt that Christ would be able to say to me, "Arise you are healed." It seems like commonsense, but I had never thought of miracles in this manner (even though I had read this story countless times and even had it highlighted in my Bible already). When our sins are removed, that is a miracle. More times than I can count in a day, God is working miracles in my life. So why would I ever doubt that he couldn't work this miracle in my life as well. 

Romans 5:1-5: "Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ: By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;And patience, experience; and experience, hope:And hope maketh not ashamed;  because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us."

Tribulations are given to us for a reason. They bring patience, patience brings experience, and experience brings hope. I have known from that start of this journey that there was a reason for all of this. How reassuring to read the reason for our tribulations this morning! Yes, we are learning patience, gaining experience, and have a hope from all these things!

Romans 4:20 "He staggered not at the promise of God through unbelief; but was strong in faith, giving glory to God."

I cannot let this journey get me discouraged or angry with God. I need to remember that as I just learned in Romans 5, we are given tribulations for a reason. I need to stay strong in my faith that God is working this miracle in our life. And through it all, I will continue giving all glory to God! 

Mark 4:35-41  "And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. And he said unto them, Why are ye so fearful? how is it that ye have no faith?"

I feel God constantly whispering to me, Peace be still. I feel Him calming the storm in my life. I feel Him rescuing me on those days when I am angry or fearful. Yesterday, I had strength to hold it together because I know He heard my whispered prayers. I know He whispered, peace, be still, yesterday. I feel His comfort in the midst of this turmoil. And for that I am grateful. I have complete faith that He is working this miracle in our life, but I do feel the swirl around me still, and I know He calms that storm for me and brings me back to a level of peace.

Mark 10:52 "And Jesus said unto him, Go thy way; thy faith hath made thee whole. And immediately he received his sight, and followed Jesus in the way."

I look forward to the day that we find out we are pregnant with you. I know on that day, God will be looking down on us saying, "Go thy way; thy faith has made you whole." 

And until that day, we will continue on this journey with a spirit of praise, knowing that through our tribulation God is teaching us patience and hope. We will continue on this journey full of faith so that God does not ask us, "Why are you so fearful? How is it that you have no faith?" We will continue on this journey in faith so that we one day hear, "Your faith has made you whole."

Thank you God for a beautiful start to my Sunday. Thank you God for rescuing me from my hurt and pain yesterday. And thank you for this journey; for sculpting us into stronger, more faithful people. Thank you God for everything!

(And I don't count this a small thing either....while typing this post, I have been listening to a random Christian radio station. Many of the songs played were songs from my Let Faith Arise playlist. I feel God with me this morning even in the music being played! Thank you God!)