Gatlinburg pt 2

Well my first post about Gatlinburg came from a place of hurt and pain. Now that we are on our ride home, I don't think that's a completely fair reflection of our trip. Yes, there were uncomfortable moments of pain, but overall this trip was much better than I anticipated; I had prepared myself for the worst. One thing I have learned from this journey is that I am a lot tougher than I ever thought I was and I continue to surprise myself with all that I can handle.

So with this post, lets celebrate all the positives this trip held! Things I am thankful for:

1.) Time away with my hubby! Keal and I had a really nice time together - hiking, exploring the town, and just enjoying time away from everyday life. Not only this vacation, but this journey has brought us so much closer and for that I am thankful. Keal was so kind and sensitive of my pain this weekend. I am thankful that he was aware enough to constantly be checking in on me and making sure I was okay.

2.) Time away to go on a spectacular hike. It was great to be out and active. It was great to be surrounded by nature and have no distractions around us.

3.) Putt-putt golf with my adorable nephew (who did better than some of the adults in our group!)

4.) A day in the city of Gatlinburg - with a few hours to just me and Keal. It was nice to just stroll the city, peek in a few shops, and eat some deliciously unhealthy snacks!

5.) Starting each morning with some very needed alone time on the deck, listening to music, sipping juice, and enjoying the view.

6.) Overcoming a fear and riding the Sky Tram to Ober Gatlinburg. Minor panic attack in the process, but I basically rode an elevator...twice! Maybe there's hope for my claustrophobia after all!

7.) A ski lift ride up to the mountain with Keal and a fun slide down!

8.) And thoughtful texts from my family throughout the weekend, making sure I was okay. My mom who let me do my venting and helped validate all I was feeling. My sister who constantly texted me during putt putt keeping me calm! And for my brother texting me on Sunday morning, reminding me to hold on to my faith.

All in all, this was a great weekend getaway for us. We had some fun, I overcame some personal struggles, and I continued to grow closer to the Lord - with all the pain of this journey, I am thankful because each difficult experience brings me closer to God and makes my faith that much stronger. So, I thank you Lord for showing me another challenge that I could overcome in this journey!

Gatlinburg

This weekend found me in a peculiar situation...a weekend getaway to Gatlinburg with my sister-in-laws and their families. My pregnant sister-in-laws.

The first full day down here was spectacular. The three husbands and myself went on a five mile hike to Rainbow Falls in the Smoky Mountains. The views were stunning. It was so peaceful to be out in the middle of nowhere taking in the sights. I found myself thanking God for the opportunity to go and see something new, another one of his magnificent creations.

Once we got home, things got difficult for me. It is so hard to be around these pregnant bellies. It was different when they weren't showing - still hard - but not in my face every second. Now, every time I look at them I am reminded - they're pregnant, I'm not.

I truly know God has a perfect plan for us and that you will soon be in our lives. But it's just so hard not to wonder, why them? Why not me?

I am typing these words on a gorgeous, crisp morning on the back porch of our cabin looking out on a spectacular view, I am listening to my Let Faith Arise playlist, and realizing in my pain, God is still with me. I know have blogged about this song before, but as I type these are the lyrics playing right now:

When I'm far away from home

And the cool winds start to blow.

When I'm empty and alone, I turn to you.

When there's hardness in my heart

And I can't see the truth.

When I'm wandering in the dark,

I turn to you.

And here in your holy presence

It's all that I can do.

I turn to you Jesus

I turn to you, Lord

What else can I do, Jesus

I turn to you.

I can't help but smile as I sing along. Thank you God for reminding me. How perfect were these lyrics: I was sitting here, feeling so "far away from home" and so "alone" out here. No one understands the pain. I am feeling angry at my sister-in-laws - feeling a "hardness in my heart" and not understanding / "seeing the truth" in this journey. And then I looked out at my view and felt God with me - I felt His "holy presence." And I instantly felt comforted, I turned to Jesus, and felt a peace.

Yes, this weekend is difficult and painful. Yes it sometimes seems unfair, but through it all, I know God still loves me. I know He has a greater plan for me than I can see right now. This struggle will all be worth it in the end. We will love and appreciate you so much more than had you just been given to us when we first asked. And maybe this time next year, I will be holding you on this porch swing, taking in this incredible view. And until then, we will wait. Faithfully.

Change of Plans

Well, we didn't get the news we had hoped for at last Tuesday's appointment, but I also felt a peace in the appointment. Things did not work at all, so once again IUI was called off. I strangely left feeling comfortable with this news. I felt God with us; trusting His perfect plan, trying to perfect my patience.

We left with the following game plan: try shots and femara again, but a lower dose of the injection. I was comfortable with this plan and grateful to dodge IVF again.

Well, just one week later, this plan had to be scraped too. I was first very devastated to put another month on hold. But as always, God showed He has His hand in every step of this journey to you.

We are not doing shots yet because the doctors are out of the office for the next two weeks. So, we are trying one more month of straight pills. I am thankful for this change of plans because I feel like this will eliminate the "what ifs." If this month does not work, I will trust completely that pills alone aren't for us.

But more importantly, I am grateful for this extra month because this is another opportunity for God's hand to be moved. I had thought September was the last chance at our miracle. How silly to limit God! Slowly but surely I am learning to have perfect patience. I am learning that when we don't always get the news we are hoping for that this is just another chance for God to work His miracle. And until He is ready to work this miracle in our lives, we will continue to trust His plan and know in faith believing that you will soon be apart of our lives.

Perfect Patience

What a great day today was in church; I felt as if God had my face in His hands talking directly to me. The message come from....James 1, the same exact verses I focused on yesterday! Today we talked about things we have waited for in the past and how worth it the wait was once we got those things.

I didn't share this because I'm still waiting....but you, my sweet one, are the thing I have so waited for. And I know once we get you, it will have all been worth it. All the stress and worry, the pain and struggle, it will all be for such a perfect miracle.

Today, it was explained that God wants to give us everything....but on His time. We must learn patience, because those things we ask for are coming. Sometimes all God wants is for us to ask Him one more time. So, as I'm waiting, I will continue to trust God's plan. I will continue to ask Him to fulfill His perfect plan and put you into our lives. And as always, along this journey, I will praise Him for all that He does for me in my wonderful life.

But why?

This journey has been such a roller coaster of emotions. We have experienced such beautiful and inspiring highs and such devastating lows. Each day brings with it a new emotion. And through these highs and lows, through the tears and praises, the anger and fears, I can't help but ask God why. I don't ask because I doubt His plan - I know there is a reason. I ask because I just can't see the big picture yet. I do believe that a lot of this is helping to increase Keal's relationship with God. I believe I am learning to not be such a planner, to let go, and to trust God more. But still...why? Why so long? Why us? Why not others who seem to need this lesson more than us?

I am trying to focus on my faith and trust in God over these next five days as we wait for Tuesday's appointment. I am trusting that His hand will be moved. I am trying not to focus on the negatives that we could hear, but yet the positive that no matter what we hear, we are one step closer to you. And through it all, I am trying to understand His plan for us.

Today, I was reading from the first chapter of James. What a perfect chapter for me this morning, helping to answer my constant whys.


1:2-4 "My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing."

When God gives us a challenge or trial, we need to accept His challenge with joy. No, it is not the trial itself we are joyful for, but it is because of the trials that God can work positive things in our lives. Through this painful journey to you, we are going to witness such an incredible miracle in our lives. Through this painful journey, we are growing closer to God each and every day. How could I not joy in these wonderful things? It is the victory over these trials that are going to bring this spiritual growth...so I cannot fall. I must stay strong throughout this journey, so that at the end I can claim victory with Jesus Christ! 

1: 5 "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him."

Ah-ha! Validation that my constant whys are okay! Not asking why in pity and in the poor me mode, but asking for His wisdom to understand this journey. And I thank God that as I was asking Him why this morning, He answered with this chapter! God does not give us a trial and leave us to figure it out on our own. He gives us trials to test us - will we turn to Him for guidance? Will we stay strong in our walk with Him as we walk through these trials? Will we thank Him and find joy in Him along the way of our trials?

1: 6-8 "But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed. For let not that man think that he shall receive any thing of the Lord. A double minded man is unstable in all his ways."

When we ask Him why though, it must be in faith. It must be in strength. We must trust in the Lord that He will bring us through these trials.

This morning I am praising God that He heard my question and that He answered my why. Do I have all the answers? No. But do I have a better understanding and more wisdom in this journey? Absolutely. I know God has a perfect plan for us, for this journey, and for you. I know that if we stay strong throughout this journey, our relationship with God will just be that much stronger in the end. And so, through the pain, through the ups and downs, I will continue to find joy in this journey. I will continue to find joy in our trials because our sweet and perfect miracle is waiting for us at the end of the pain!

Positive People

Waiting for Friday's appointment was a terribly, painful week. I typically go into these appointments with such hope. Is this the appointment that we move forward? However, by Wednesday I felt like I had already been given the bad news. I had been so down and sad about this journey. I felt that if I let myself feel hope this week, it would make Friday hurt that much more if we get bad news. What a silly way to have spent this week. God wants us to find hope in all things. How could I consider myself a faithful person if I was already so discouraged? How can I trust God to work a miracle if I was already counting this month out?

Well, Wednesday was pretty rough for me emotionally. I held it together enough to get through teaching, but behind the scenes, when the kids were gone, not so much. This semester I have a student-teacher in my room and unfortunately, she definitely picked up on my sadness and discouragement. I was first mad at myself - I am supposed to be showing others I can do this because I have God on my side. I am staying strong because of Him. But Wednesday, I was not that example.

Thursday morning was not much better. However, I walked into my classroom to find my student teacher had beat me to school (impressive considering I get there at the crack of dawn!). Sitting on my desk was a vase of beautiful flowers, chocolates, gold fish crackers, and the most beautiful card.

Courtney,
About the closest way to describe the appreciation and admiration I hold for you is to say it's unending - in actuality, there can be no value for it. In six weeks I've learned more than I ever imagined and will miss the opportunity to continue developing under you dearly. You are such a special teacher...and an even greater person.

We haven't covered this in my unit yet, but before there is a rainbow, there must be rain. Your perseverance yesterday showed all of us why you deserve a beautiful ending. I'm inclined to say that maybe less paperwork in two weeks will help...and maybe a few extra prayers too. I'll do my best at the latter, and not the former! Thank you for everything...everything!

Well, I was instantly in tears! What a beautiful way to begin my day! I was instantly so grateful and thankful. I realized, that even through my pain, I was still an example to her. Through my pain, she still saw my strength to continue on in this journey.

After getting the results Friday, Dr. Devine looked at us and with a smile said, "Okay. Nothing to worry about yet. Let's check back in on Tuesday and see where we are. We're going to get this baby, Courtney, I really believe that."

I just love the practice that we are going to and again, I thank God for directing us to them! What a positive doctor I have. Even when it's not the greatest news, she continues to give us hope and encourage us to stay up. I don't feel like I am "just a patient" there. I feel like they genuinely care about me. I feel comfortable there and I know God has me in good hands.

As we were leaving the office, I had to make a second appointment. When I told the receptionist, she sincerely responded with a deep sigh, "Oh. I was really hoping for you guys. I thought today might be your day. Okay....Tuesday. Tuesday will be your day."

After the appointment, a dear friend of mine from school texted me (a friend who did not yet know about our journey, but it because of this friend that I ever even heard about my doctor): "Hey Court! I just wanted to text you and let you know I am thinking about you. You had the look yesterday that I feel like I have some days. I am inferring through your quotes that you pin on Pinterest that you are I are similar in a way - trying to have faith and hope for our future. I don't want to be too forward, I just wanted to let you know that you and your quotes inspire me and help get through my frustration. And if I have inferred this all wrong...then ignore me!...and you still inspire me." I was so touched and so thankful for this positive text.

Just moments after this text, another good friend called to check on me. She had also been a patient of Dr. Devine. It is so helpful having someone who has been on this journey already. She is one of the only people I know out there who has traveled a similar journey to ours. She understands my impatience, my anger, my hope, and my sadness. It is encouraging to have someone validate everything it is I am feeling. I am thankful that she too had to travel down a painful journey to her sweet baby because she is able to encourage me and pull me along on my journey.

I often find myself getting angry at certain people for not responding the way I expect them. But today, instead of focusing on those who bring me down, I am praising God for the positive and supportive people He has put in my life. I am thankful that during such a difficult week, when I felt too weak to stand myself, I had so many people who saw and helped carry me along. Through their prayers, their texts, and kind words, I made it through a trying week. I cannot linger on the negative, but will praise God for the positive people He has put in my life. I thank God that they reached out to pick me up. I thank God that through my pain I am still impacting and inspiring others. I thank God that through this journey, He is using me and molding me into the person I need to be!

The Waiting Game Continues

Well today was another appointment. It was time to see if the pills had worked or not. Today we would know yay or nay - yes, let's try IUI or no, IVF is the only route for us.

After getting the thumbs down back in August for IUI, I had prepared myself for the worst for this appointment. And not because I wasn't faithful, but because I was so blindsided last time. I couldn't get hit so hard this month if we were told no. I couldn't let myself go back to such a dark place...I had already been there again this week.

So I knew going in today we would hear one of three things:
1.) Femara worked - let's do IUI today
2.) Femara worked - let's do IUI sometime next week
or 3.) Femara didn't work, we'll start IVF in November

And wouldn't you know whenever we think we have it figured out, God says, "Nope, I'm the one in charge," and he throws a fourth possibility into the mix.

Turns out this was kind of an off month for my body. However, there is still one growing follicle, one more chance for IUI this month. It is still pretty small right now, but could still continue growing.

So, the waiting game continues. We go back in next Tuesday.

I left today's appointment feeling good and feeling faithful. Yes, the unknown and the wait is exhausting, but it also gives God more time to work His miracle. It gives us five more days to pray and force God's hand to be moved. It gives us five more days of hope for IUI. It gives us five more days for our faith to grow.

"I'm waiting, I'm waiting on you Lord. And I am hopeful. I'm waiting on You, Lord. Though it is painful, but patiently, I will wait."