This morning I am trying to find the small things to be thankful for amidst my pain. On a cold Wednesday morning, after a super long day yesterday, I'm thankful for cappuccino. Even better, a free cappuccino! Had the results come back positive yesterday, a cappuccino would not be possible. So in the bad, let's be thankful that I can sip some free, hot cappuccino to get me moving this morning!
I'm also thankful for hot bubble baths. Again, something I would not be able to do had the test come back positive. I can now unwind, relax, and de-stress in a nice hot bubble bath.
So, instead of dwelling on the bad, I'm trying to celebrate some good. This morning I'm thankful for hot baths and cappuccinos.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Heavy Heart pt2
So, after getting the negative results, I called my doctor (I had said I wasn't going to, but decided to follow their requests). They asked me to hurry in and get some blood drawn. That way, I'd know for sure, yes or no (sometimes the home tests aren't as reliable as the blood work).
So, I went.
I didn't get my hopes up...but I wasn't quite as discouraged either. There was still a little bit of hope.
Blood was drawn, easy as pie. The woman was so pleasant and positive, "You're a teacher? Oh honey, you're a momma already. You are going to be a wonderful mother. Don't you worry."
2:00 - 2:30 I was supposed to have a phone call. Nothing.
Conferences started at 2:40. 2:39 my phone rang. Doctor's office.
I decided to take the gamble and answer. I could tell the second I answered the phone it was not good news. However, we had a game plan by the time the call was over.
One ray of light in this gloomy day, my 2:40 conference never showed up. This gave me time to gather myself and regroup. Gave me time to call Keal, call my mom. So, I'm thankful that God had worked that out for me.
Monday, I go in possibly for yet another ultrasound and to start the shots again. And while the shots no longer freak me out (I can handle that easily) I am saddened that this miracle didn't happen. I really thought this was our miracle month. This was the month God was going to prove himself to Keal. And so I find myself going back to where I was a few months ago, asking why. Why would God have allowed this "bonus" month to work, all for it not to have worked. I really just don't understand. Someday, I'm sure I will. Today, I'm just saddened.
So, I'm back to trying to just push forward and survive this day. I am so thankful for this small break in conferences to allow me to write (such therapy for me!). I am trying to trust God's plan. I am hopeful for that glorious day when we finally hear you are on the way. And until then, we will continue to wait, faithfully.
So, I went.
I didn't get my hopes up...but I wasn't quite as discouraged either. There was still a little bit of hope.
Blood was drawn, easy as pie. The woman was so pleasant and positive, "You're a teacher? Oh honey, you're a momma already. You are going to be a wonderful mother. Don't you worry."
2:00 - 2:30 I was supposed to have a phone call. Nothing.
Conferences started at 2:40. 2:39 my phone rang. Doctor's office.
I decided to take the gamble and answer. I could tell the second I answered the phone it was not good news. However, we had a game plan by the time the call was over.
One ray of light in this gloomy day, my 2:40 conference never showed up. This gave me time to gather myself and regroup. Gave me time to call Keal, call my mom. So, I'm thankful that God had worked that out for me.
Monday, I go in possibly for yet another ultrasound and to start the shots again. And while the shots no longer freak me out (I can handle that easily) I am saddened that this miracle didn't happen. I really thought this was our miracle month. This was the month God was going to prove himself to Keal. And so I find myself going back to where I was a few months ago, asking why. Why would God have allowed this "bonus" month to work, all for it not to have worked. I really just don't understand. Someday, I'm sure I will. Today, I'm just saddened.
So, I'm back to trying to just push forward and survive this day. I am so thankful for this small break in conferences to allow me to write (such therapy for me!). I am trying to trust God's plan. I am hopeful for that glorious day when we finally hear you are on the way. And until then, we will continue to wait, faithfully.
Heavy Heart
Well, I guess God has a different plan for us. I just really thought this was our month. Everything had worked out so beautifully...and all I thought to His plan. Our "bonus" month ended up turning into our Miracle Month and we were able to finally give IUI a try. I was so thankful for how God's hand was moving. This was going to be the month. I just knew it.
This morning, I took the last pregnancy test I owned. I had told myself, no more negative results. The time I used this last pregnancy test would be the one that worked. I have been saving it since this summer. I would not need to buy anymore.
Last night, I dreamt we were in the doctor's office getting our first ultrasound. Our doctor and nurses were so excited for us. I heard your heartbeat.
I woke up so hopeful.
I woke up to read this...
This morning, I took the last pregnancy test I owned. I had told myself, no more negative results. The time I used this last pregnancy test would be the one that worked. I have been saving it since this summer. I would not need to buy anymore.
Last night, I dreamt we were in the doctor's office getting our first ultrasound. Our doctor and nurses were so excited for us. I heard your heartbeat.
I woke up so hopeful.
I woke up to read this...
Today are parent-teacher conferences. I will be at school from 6 AM to 6:30 PM. How I am going to have the strength to get through this day is only with God's help. Today was supposed to be my day. A day of celebration. Today is now going to be a day of survival. Let's just get through the day without breaking down. This morning I was putting....well, attempting....to put on my bracelet. I hadn't really cracked yet. My hands were shaking and the stupid clip wouldn't go through the hole. I think I tried a good five times before throwing it across the bathroom. That was my breaking point. Not being able to put a bracelet on and I was face down on my bathroom floor sobbing.
Oh little one, this world is a funny place. It's a roller coaster ride of ups and downs. Don't get me wrong, it's a wonderful place too. But sometimes things just don't go as you imagained. So, we go back to waiting and wondering when we will meet you. I continue on this journey, faithful, knowing one day you will be ours, but today my heart is just a little heavier.
Friday, November 9, 2012
Where There is Great Love...
Well, my sweet little one. It has been eleven days since we were at the doctor's office. And I must confess, these have been the LONGEST eleven days, maybe of my life!! I keep looking at calendars and thinking, "Really? It's only been 2 days....it's only been 3 days..."you get the picture. So, here I am this morning saying, "Really? We still have to wait five days?!" I might burst with all this waiting.
Now that we are so close to knowing yes or no, it is even more difficult to have patience because all of the pregnancy symptoms have started. I have now had two nights in a row of "morning" sickness, unshakeable headaches, and the weepiness is as strong as ever (this time not quite as sad, but more like the tiniest things - happy included - make me cry). And while I welcome these symptoms with open arms if they mean you are on the way, I am trying not to get ahead of myself. Unfortunately, all of the meds that I am on can cause you to feel like you're pregnant too. Which, if you ask me, that is a mean trick! Don't the people who created these drugs know that the people on them want a baby more than anything? And to make the side effects be the same as being pregnant, just mean! So, I'm trying to find the healthy balance between being so very hopeful, yet keeping it in the back of my mind that if God intended for this to work at a different time, we will trust His plan.
Things I am thankful for this morning: the most incredible support team I could ask for. I have received such beautiful texts throughout the week. The first came from a friend from church; she sent me this quote: "Where there is great love, there are always miracles." Let me tell you, little one, there is great love waiting for you! I know that this love that we have for you and that God has for us, is going to work this miracle in our life. I believe that with all my soul.
Later in the week, I got another text from a new friend, "...I need an update on your life in the next 3 days. I haven't forgotten to say extra prayers!" I loved how simple it was, yet how thoughtful; letting me know that even though this week has been busy, she is still thinking about me.
Finally, last night, a dear friend from school sent me this text: "Saw this tonight and thought of you. You are dealing with everything so amazing and its amazing to witness. 'Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love Him.' John 1:12." I was so grateful to receive such encouraging words. She too went through a similar journey to get to her beautiful little boy. Knowing that she comes from a similar place of pain and struggle to get to her miracle, it meant so much to read these words from her.
Throughout this journey I keep coming back to a similar thought, we are so blessed in this life God has given us. There are days that are more difficult than others. There are some situations that sometimes seem unfair in the midst of them. But through it all, God reminds me that I am His and that He loves me. And for that, I am beyond blessed. Thank you, Lord!
Now that we are so close to knowing yes or no, it is even more difficult to have patience because all of the pregnancy symptoms have started. I have now had two nights in a row of "morning" sickness, unshakeable headaches, and the weepiness is as strong as ever (this time not quite as sad, but more like the tiniest things - happy included - make me cry). And while I welcome these symptoms with open arms if they mean you are on the way, I am trying not to get ahead of myself. Unfortunately, all of the meds that I am on can cause you to feel like you're pregnant too. Which, if you ask me, that is a mean trick! Don't the people who created these drugs know that the people on them want a baby more than anything? And to make the side effects be the same as being pregnant, just mean! So, I'm trying to find the healthy balance between being so very hopeful, yet keeping it in the back of my mind that if God intended for this to work at a different time, we will trust His plan.
Things I am thankful for this morning: the most incredible support team I could ask for. I have received such beautiful texts throughout the week. The first came from a friend from church; she sent me this quote: "Where there is great love, there are always miracles." Let me tell you, little one, there is great love waiting for you! I know that this love that we have for you and that God has for us, is going to work this miracle in our life. I believe that with all my soul.
Later in the week, I got another text from a new friend, "...I need an update on your life in the next 3 days. I haven't forgotten to say extra prayers!" I loved how simple it was, yet how thoughtful; letting me know that even though this week has been busy, she is still thinking about me.
Finally, last night, a dear friend from school sent me this text: "Saw this tonight and thought of you. You are dealing with everything so amazing and its amazing to witness. 'Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love Him.' John 1:12." I was so grateful to receive such encouraging words. She too went through a similar journey to get to her beautiful little boy. Knowing that she comes from a similar place of pain and struggle to get to her miracle, it meant so much to read these words from her.
Throughout this journey I keep coming back to a similar thought, we are so blessed in this life God has given us. There are days that are more difficult than others. There are some situations that sometimes seem unfair in the midst of them. But through it all, God reminds me that I am His and that He loves me. And for that, I am beyond blessed. Thank you, Lord!
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Don't Give Up
It's funny. You'd think by now I would be used to the up-and-downs of this journey. Turns out....I'm not.
You'd think I'd be in a better place right now, knowing we have so much to be hopeful for right now. Turns out...I'm not.
Yesterday was such a down day for me. During our staff meeting, we announced yet another pregnancy at school. The pregnant culprit decided to share with us, "Yep. Definitely didn't want this right now. We weren't trying at all, so this came as a complete surprise. But, it'll be a good thing." Cue me ready to slug her in the face. So frustrating to hear people make such flippant comments about their "oops baby," when I am praying and trying so hard for my miracle baby! After the meeting, I was of course greeted with several comments of, "Oh I thought for sure it was you." I wanted to say, "Yep, should've been me for over a year and a half now, nope, still not."
So, after that sucker punch, I got to spend Halloween with my two pregnant sister-in-laws again. And I know I should be happy for them. But I just can't get there. I can't feel happy for them when they have what I've wanted for so long. And, to add salt to the wound, my mother-in-law decided last night was a perfect time to plan their fun double baby shower. "How fun that the sisters are pregnant together and both having boys. They're gonna grow up to be such good little buddies." I mean really?? That couldn't have been discussed while I was outside or out of the room? And really -- both sisters pregnant? I wanted to jump up and down and say, "Hello! Sister here...not pregnant!" Instead, I cried. Story of my life these days. Happy. Sad. Happy. Sad.
I made the comment to Keal last night, "I just can't do this anymore." I'm not really sure what I ever mean when I say that. I definitely don't mean fighting for you. Maybe I mean being around pregnant women. Maybe I mean trying to mask my pain. Maybe I mean not shouting at people when in their ignorance they make insensitive comments. I don't know. But I felt like giving up last night.
But wait. It gets better! I then got to spend my one time of peace....my dreams....in more misery!! All night long I dreamt about my sister-in-laws and their sons. They kept trying to force me to hold them and I just wouldn't do it. I'm surrounded by babies everywhere I turn -- during day time and my dreams.
So, I woke up sad today too. I got to work and turned on Pandora. The first song that came on was one I had never heard. It was so perfect for me.
How perfect, after I said, "I can't do this anymore," after feeling like I'm ready to quit, God whispers, "Don't give up. Help is surely on its way." Oh. How wonderful the Lord is.
And as if this wasn't enough, God shows how much He truly loves me and continues to bless me! Every single song after this one, was one from my Let Faith Arise playlist! So, in my pain and sadness today, I have to say, Thank you God! Thank you for your grace and for still comforting me. I am sometimes so ashamed of the feelings of jealousy I get during this journey. So thank you Lord, for forgiving me of that and still loving me. We serve a wonderful, Lord! As I blogged on Monday, rejoice in the Lord ALWAYS. So even in my pain, I rejoice that I have such a merciful savior.
You'd think I'd be in a better place right now, knowing we have so much to be hopeful for right now. Turns out...I'm not.
Yesterday was such a down day for me. During our staff meeting, we announced yet another pregnancy at school. The pregnant culprit decided to share with us, "Yep. Definitely didn't want this right now. We weren't trying at all, so this came as a complete surprise. But, it'll be a good thing." Cue me ready to slug her in the face. So frustrating to hear people make such flippant comments about their "oops baby," when I am praying and trying so hard for my miracle baby! After the meeting, I was of course greeted with several comments of, "Oh I thought for sure it was you." I wanted to say, "Yep, should've been me for over a year and a half now, nope, still not."
So, after that sucker punch, I got to spend Halloween with my two pregnant sister-in-laws again. And I know I should be happy for them. But I just can't get there. I can't feel happy for them when they have what I've wanted for so long. And, to add salt to the wound, my mother-in-law decided last night was a perfect time to plan their fun double baby shower. "How fun that the sisters are pregnant together and both having boys. They're gonna grow up to be such good little buddies." I mean really?? That couldn't have been discussed while I was outside or out of the room? And really -- both sisters pregnant? I wanted to jump up and down and say, "Hello! Sister here...not pregnant!" Instead, I cried. Story of my life these days. Happy. Sad. Happy. Sad.
I made the comment to Keal last night, "I just can't do this anymore." I'm not really sure what I ever mean when I say that. I definitely don't mean fighting for you. Maybe I mean being around pregnant women. Maybe I mean trying to mask my pain. Maybe I mean not shouting at people when in their ignorance they make insensitive comments. I don't know. But I felt like giving up last night.
But wait. It gets better! I then got to spend my one time of peace....my dreams....in more misery!! All night long I dreamt about my sister-in-laws and their sons. They kept trying to force me to hold them and I just wouldn't do it. I'm surrounded by babies everywhere I turn -- during day time and my dreams.
So, I woke up sad today too. I got to work and turned on Pandora. The first song that came on was one I had never heard. It was so perfect for me.
And as if this wasn't enough, God shows how much He truly loves me and continues to bless me! Every single song after this one, was one from my Let Faith Arise playlist! So, in my pain and sadness today, I have to say, Thank you God! Thank you for your grace and for still comforting me. I am sometimes so ashamed of the feelings of jealousy I get during this journey. So thank you Lord, for forgiving me of that and still loving me. We serve a wonderful, Lord! As I blogged on Monday, rejoice in the Lord ALWAYS. So even in my pain, I rejoice that I have such a merciful savior.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Rejoice in the Lord...Always!
I have to start by saying what an incredible day today has been. I have so much to be thankful for; I don't' even know how to organize my thoughts to begin. So, here we go, things I'm so thankful for today:
- For serving such an incredible, loving, tender, merciful God. I felt His presence with me all day long. I felt Him calming me as I became anxious. I felt Him through song. I felt Him while teaching, and I felt Him in my quiet moments. I know God had me and Keal wrapped tightly in His arms today and for that alone I am so grateful and thankful. This would've been enough today...but there is much more to be thankful for! Who are we to ever be this loved? We serve an awesome God!!
- My fabulous, supportive husband. He was standing in the parking lot watching me pull in, waiting to greet me. Keal doesn't like to show much excitement....let me rephrase, much emotion of any kind, but especially in this journey! He is my rock and calming force. When I'm down, he tries to stay up. But I could honestly tell he was as excited as I was today. He was hopeful and anxious with me. It was nice to share the same excitement with him. While sitting in the exam room, waiting for the doctor to come in, we grabbed hands and he offered a prayer. I am so grateful for the personal relationship he is forming with God. He offered such a perfectly powerful prayer for you and for our journey. He was thankful and faithful. I love where our relationship is going as a couple. I love that I can turn to him to offer a prayer for us. It calmed my nerves and I felt a peace come over the room. After the appointment, he leaned over kissed me, and whispered, "I sure hope this worked." I know he wants this as badly as I do, but it is so reassuring to hear him verbalize his desires. It was a sweet moment we shared together. I love my husband and I love where this journey is bringing us!
- For fabulous family and their texts throughout the day checking in on me. They have been such solid rocks for me in this journey. They continue to pick us up as we journey along.
- An easy, painless, quick procedure. I had been so nervous all day long about this procedure - I knew I would have at least one moment of uncomfortableness. Nothing! Nothing!! It was so quick and easy.
- An amazing staff at the doctor's office. I think every person in there let us know, one way or another, that they were hoping for good news. We got pats on the back, winks and finger crosses, and kind words. It is because of the school that I teach at, that I found this doctor. God has His hands in everything - it is incredible to see how it all works out! Because I took a job at Harmony Elementary, I met two fabulous women - one who knows the doctor personally, and one who was a patient here. Because I took a job at Harmony Elementary, I found the most perfect doctor's office for me. Thank you God for having your hand in this journey...three years before we realized we'd even be on this journey!
- For all of the experiences had by my family today too. God wasn't just comforting me or Keal today; He was with us all!
- For random texts, from old dear friends who did not even know about today's procedure. "Hi Court! Xoxo love you! Hope you have time to see the blessings in your life today." I know God put it on her heart to text me today. I am so thankful He did, and I'm so thankful she listened! It was such a great, comforting message to get right before our appointment.
363 days
October 20, 2011, I had a doctor's appointment because there were some things going on that just didn't seem right. We had been ready to meet you for seven months at this point and there was still no sign.
October 31, 2011....363 days from today, almost a year to the date, the word infertility was used in my doctor's appointment. "Looks like you may have some issues with infertility. You'll have to wait to speak with Dr. Johnson. Make an appointment when you check out and she'll see you in a couple of weeks." And just like that, the doctor was out of the room. As if hearing the diagnosis of infertility is no big deal. And there I was, left alone with my tears, fears, and uncertainties. It was probably the most difficult appointment I have ever had because I had not even come close to thinking about fertility problems.
October 31, 2011 I was so ready to be pregnant.
Now, here we are, October 29th, 2012 and I find myself in a much better state of mind. The past year and seven months have been trying; that is for sure. It has tested me as an individual and it has tested my relationship as a wife. But I have so grown through this experience. I have experienced physical things I never thought possible (how is it, the girl who used to scream and fuss over a finger prick, stuck a needle into her own stomach yesterday?!). I have experienced emotional things that have made me stronger. And most importantly is the spiritual growth I have made throughout this journey.
I go into today's appointment with a trust and freedom I never thought possible. I know that God's hand is in this journey completely. I know that God is going to give us you. And because of this faith and trust, I know that whatever happens today is God's plan. I go into today's appointment with that same desire to become a mother, but I don't have the fear that the word "infertility" caused me nearly a year ago. Fear has no place in this journey anymore because I know completely that God will work this miracle.
So, after a year of medicine, a year of countless appointments and procedures, I go into this appointment putting this journey solely in God's hands. I go into this appointment full of faith. I go into this appointment with an open-heart and open-mind, trusting that God will work this miracle because, "if you have faith, and doubt not, it will be done. And all things, whatsoever you shall ask in prayer, believing, you will receive."
No matter what, I will remember these words today (I've heard this song a thousand times, but heard it again on the radio this morning):
"You are God alone
From before time began
You were on Your throne
You are God alone
And right now
In God times and bad
You are on Your throne
You are God alone
You're the only God
Whose power none can contend
You're the only God
Whose name and praise will never end
You're the only God
Who's worthy of everything we can give
You are God
And that's just the way it is"
October 31, 2011....363 days from today, almost a year to the date, the word infertility was used in my doctor's appointment. "Looks like you may have some issues with infertility. You'll have to wait to speak with Dr. Johnson. Make an appointment when you check out and she'll see you in a couple of weeks." And just like that, the doctor was out of the room. As if hearing the diagnosis of infertility is no big deal. And there I was, left alone with my tears, fears, and uncertainties. It was probably the most difficult appointment I have ever had because I had not even come close to thinking about fertility problems.
October 31, 2011 I was so ready to be pregnant.
Now, here we are, October 29th, 2012 and I find myself in a much better state of mind. The past year and seven months have been trying; that is for sure. It has tested me as an individual and it has tested my relationship as a wife. But I have so grown through this experience. I have experienced physical things I never thought possible (how is it, the girl who used to scream and fuss over a finger prick, stuck a needle into her own stomach yesterday?!). I have experienced emotional things that have made me stronger. And most importantly is the spiritual growth I have made throughout this journey.
I go into today's appointment with a trust and freedom I never thought possible. I know that God's hand is in this journey completely. I know that God is going to give us you. And because of this faith and trust, I know that whatever happens today is God's plan. I go into today's appointment with that same desire to become a mother, but I don't have the fear that the word "infertility" caused me nearly a year ago. Fear has no place in this journey anymore because I know completely that God will work this miracle.
So, after a year of medicine, a year of countless appointments and procedures, I go into this appointment putting this journey solely in God's hands. I go into this appointment full of faith. I go into this appointment with an open-heart and open-mind, trusting that God will work this miracle because, "if you have faith, and doubt not, it will be done. And all things, whatsoever you shall ask in prayer, believing, you will receive."
"You are God alone
From before time began
You were on Your throne
You are God alone
And right now
In God times and bad
You are on Your throne
You are God alone
You're the only God
Whose power none can contend
You're the only God
Whose name and praise will never end
You're the only God
Who's worthy of everything we can give
You are God
And that's just the way it is"
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