Here's hoping this is the last one...

Today I head in for yet another check up. I have been trying to fight off the anger all weekend, but I think it is my defense mechanism. I know going into this appointment we could be told it worked too well. We could be told this just isn't going to work for us and IVF is the only route to go. So, in order to survive, I seem to get angry right before these nerve-racking appointments. I think it's my way of dealing with the disappointment before I am disappointed.

I know we will be parents some day. I know God is working this miracle in our lives. It's just been such a long, up-and-down journey to get there.

Here's hoping today was the last folistim shot!

Thanksgiving

I have been dreading today ever since we found out we weren't pregnant. Reasons why I was ready to just skip Thanksgiving:

1. I would be spending it with my pregnant sister-in-law.
2. When sharing what we were thankful for, I had planned on saying our miracle, and announce our pregnancy
3. I've slipped into a Debbie Downer state-of-mood, playing the pity-party game, "Oh poor me, there's nothing to be thankful for."
4. I was missing my family, who was out of town

I have to say though, today was not all bad.There were definitely moments of sadness, but even in my sadness, there is a lot to be thankful for.

This year, I am incredibly thankful for my marriage - probably even more than I have been in the past. This journey to you has been such a roller coaster ride for me personally, but also for our marriage. There have been so many different emotions and stresses along the way that Keal and I both process so differently. We have had such highs in this journey as a couple, and we have definitely hit rock bottom. Part of our challenge, is that we see it all. Our families get a glimpse of what we're going through, but Keal sees it all. He has seen me at my lowest, my angriest, and darkest places. And while this can add to the stress of the journey (it's tough to see each other at our ugliest), it has brought us closer together. No matter what, we are always there to pick each other up.

I found a card the other day, that put perfectly into words how much I appreciate Keal this year:

So grateful for your love. I know it can't' be easy putting up with all my moods, giving me the space I need when I'm unhappy or upset or filled with doubt...But somehow, you hang in there and accept me as I am, loving me through everything and being more supportive than I ever dreamed anyone could be...I only hope you realize how wonderful you are. There's no one luckier in love than I am because of you."

And it is so true; I wish I would've been the one to write those words! I am so blessed that Keal is the  man I get to take this journey with. I am blessed that we balance each other out so well. And I am blessed that we are facing this journey together because we are so much closer because of it. 

This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for a strong and united marriage. I am thankful for a love that can withstand the storms of this journey. I am thankful for the fact that Keal continues to hold me up and carry me on when I just don't have the strength. I am thankful for this time God has given me and Keal together as a family of two. We want you here so badly, but I'm grateful for this precious time together as a couple. I know once we receive our miracle, life will forever be changed. And while we are so ready to welcome that change, for now, we will appreciate this time we have together. I am thankful for the miracle God is working in our lives. We are beyond blessed for our beautiful life and for that, I am so thankful.

Loving his new Thanksgiving toy!

Let's try this again...

Right Beside You

Another day, another appointment. I'm trying to stay level-headed today. There is no chance of good or bad news today, just being told how many days to do the shots; when my next appointment is; and more blood work, more ultrasounds. A typical, in-between days appointment. I am still trying to stay hopeful and faithful, that these mundane appointments will eventually lead to that fabulous appointment when we hear you are on your way.

This has been somewhat of a challenging week for me. Three days after finding out we weren't pregnant, I was already starting another round of pills and medications. It just seemed to be going too fast. I felt like I was spinning out of control. There was too much to process all at once. I heard this song:

When the world is on your back
And you think that you will never last
When you're lonely and you are confused
I'll be right beside you
When the walls are closing in
And you think you'd rather sink than swim
When there's nothing left for you to lose
I'll be right beside you

I know that as I feel like the walls are closing in this week, that God is right beside me. I know He is holding our hand through this journey and I trust His plan completely.

I go into this appointment trusting Him and knowing that when the time is right, He will work this miracle.

Today's bracelet for my appointment ~ I believe completely!

Incredible Support System

I thought I should continue my posts of thanks. I have a wonderful life and I really need to dwell on the positive things I have, not the negative that we got yesterday.

So along with hot baths and free cappuccino, I am thankful for an incredible support system. Yesterday and today made me realize how loved we are and what wonderful people I have in my life.

In order to go to the doctor yesterday to have blood drawn, I had to drop everything right away. I had to leave school with no sub and no coverage for my class. A member on my team said, "Go this is more important," and she covered my class for me. She picked them up for me, she took them outside, and she took them to recess. I am so fortunate to work at such a wonderful school. We all get along and we all truly support and care for each other's needs.

I'm thankful for my boss for constantly checking in on me yesterday, peeking her head in my classroom, letting me use her office when I needed to cry, and then texting me throughout the night making sure I was okay. She checked on me first thing this morning and let me know that she was there for me if I need anything at all.

I am thankful for a very dear friend, peeking her head in my classroom today. I could tell she had been avoiding me and wasn't quite sure what to say. She looked truly choked up when she whispered, "Don't give up. It'll happen." I was so grateful for her simple, kind words and the sincerity of her heart.

And most importantly, I am thankful for my incredible family. I have received countless texts, voice mails, and phone calls from them all checking on me making sure I'm doing okay. I have received silly soundbites and Christmas carols to pick me up. I have been able to cry with them when needed and they've been able to offer me comforting words when I needed to listen. I'm so thankful for my sweet husband for comforting and hugging me last night and for just being there for me. I am thankful for the caring card he gave, and beautiful words he wrote:

"Your strength may surprise you. You've been through so much lately, and I know it has taken a lot out you...At times, it must seem like things will never be normal again. But I know that you'll handle it, because you're one of the strongest, most resilient people I've ever known. And anytime in the days and weeks ahead that you need someone to remind you just how wonderful you are, I'm here."

Court,
I am sorry things did not go as planned today. (Since when have they on this adventure.) Please keep your strength and hopefulness and one day soon, before you even know it, our little guy / girl will be here. And we are going to be the best parents ever!

I have seen you overcome so many fears and pains. You definitely have champed the needle thing...I have no doubt you can do it again and again if necessary. You are going to be such a wonderful mother that I know God will not deny you the opportunity. Please know that I love you so much and can not imagine my life without you. You are my one true love, my best friend, and companion.

Yesterday was a difficult day, there's no denying that. The days ahead of us will be difficult too. But there is no denying that I have a very blessed life. I have family and friends that love me, I have a wonderful job, and I have the grace of God to get me through each day. You will learn someday too, sweet one, that even in our heartache, there is always something to be thankful for.

Hot Baths and Free Cappuccino

This morning I am trying to find the small things to be thankful for amidst my pain. On a cold Wednesday morning, after a super long day yesterday, I'm thankful for cappuccino. Even better, a free cappuccino! Had the results come back positive yesterday, a cappuccino would not be possible. So in the bad, let's be thankful that I can sip some free, hot cappuccino to get me moving this morning!

I'm also thankful for hot bubble baths. Again, something I would not be able to do had the test come back positive. I can now unwind, relax, and de-stress in a nice hot bubble bath.

So, instead of dwelling on the bad, I'm trying to celebrate some good. This morning I'm thankful for hot baths and cappuccinos.

Heavy Heart pt2

So, after getting the negative results, I called my doctor (I had said I wasn't going to, but decided to follow their requests). They asked me to hurry in and get some blood drawn. That way, I'd know for sure, yes or no (sometimes the home tests aren't as reliable as the blood work).

So, I went.

I didn't get my hopes up...but I wasn't quite as discouraged either. There was still a little bit of hope.

Blood was drawn, easy as pie. The woman was so pleasant and positive, "You're a teacher? Oh honey, you're a momma already. You are going to be a wonderful mother. Don't you worry."

2:00 - 2:30 I was supposed to have a phone call. Nothing.

Conferences started at 2:40. 2:39 my phone rang. Doctor's office.

I decided to take the gamble and answer. I could tell the second I answered the phone it was not good news. However, we had a game plan by the time the call was over.

One ray of light in this gloomy day, my 2:40 conference never showed up. This gave me time to gather myself and regroup. Gave me time to call Keal, call my mom. So, I'm thankful that God had worked that out for me.

Monday, I go in possibly for yet another ultrasound and to start the shots again. And while the shots no longer freak me out (I can handle that easily) I am saddened that this miracle didn't happen. I really thought this was our miracle month. This was the month God was going to prove himself to Keal. And so I find myself going back to where I was a few months ago, asking why. Why would God have allowed this "bonus" month to work, all for it not to have worked. I really just don't understand. Someday, I'm sure I will. Today, I'm just saddened.

So, I'm back to trying to just push forward and survive this day. I am so thankful for this small break in conferences to allow me to write (such therapy for me!). I am trying to trust God's plan. I am hopeful for that glorious day when we finally hear you are on the way. And until then, we will continue to wait, faithfully.