The Climb

This week has been somewhat difficult for me. I'm struggling with feelings of jealousy and sadness. I hate this feeling, but I just can't seem to shake it. I see pregnant women and feel jealous. I see precious babies and have to turn and look the other way. I want nothing to do with any of it ~ which is not me at all. I was always the person first to pick up a baby and play with them. I now find myself looking the other way and avoiding them at all costs.

I'm trying to shake the anger that seems to come with it too. Today, my sister-in-laws will be celebrating the joy of their little ones with their double baby shower. Today should be a day of happiness. And yet, I find myself so saddened. I can't help but think, "but this should be mine too." And I know one day it will be. But today, it hurts.

I have heard this song for the past four days every morning on the radio while driving. This song is over three years old, so the fact that it has randomly been on the radio four days in a row, I feel like it's been meant for me.

I keep trying to remind myself to enjoy "the climb." I can't keep getting so wrapped up in what we don't have; in how hard this journey can be, but instead I need to just keep climbing. I need to keep in mind that at the end of this journey to you, the climb and struggle to you is what is going to make it all worth it. The pain and tears are okay, but no matter what, I "just gotta keep goin', and I gotta be strong, just keep pushing on."

I won't give up on this journey to you, no matter how difficult some days may seem.

Bittersweet

Well, today has been a crazy, hectic, bittersweet day. And as crazy, stressful as it was at school, I was almost thankful for it because it kept my mind off feeling sad about this journey.

Today I should've been calling the doctor to make an appointment to start another month of treatment. Saturday I would've been starting the pills all over again, and Tuesday would have started yet another round of the shots.

My first feeling was sadness. Even though we knew the medications didn't work this month, there is always a piece of me that hopes that this could be our miracle month because I know that God is bigger than the medication. So, when I found out we weren't pregnant this month, I was first very sad. It can be challenging to stay positive when this journey feels so long and unending. But, I continue to hold fast to that hope. I know our miracle is waiting to happen.

After the initial sadness passed, I was really quite grateful to not be calling the doctor today. It is hard not to be so [negatively] wrapped up in this journey when your schedule revolves around the constant doctor's appointments, needles, and pills. The medications are all finally out of my body and I feel myself coming back. I'm not quite so mopey or focused on this journey. I'm not quite so snippety or agitated with everyone around me. I feel like me again.

So, though I was hesitant at first to take time off from the doctor's, I am already feeling grateful for this decision. I know God has a plan for us and we will trust Him and follow His guidance. We will patiently wait for you little one. And while waiting, we will continue to count all the blessings we have in our life. And who knows, maybe God is going to work this miracle without the need of doctor's at all. No matter what His plan, we will have faith and hope that He will work this miracle in our life.

A Moment to Catch our Breath

Well, today we were given some disappointing news.

The shots just aren't working this month.

Keal and I had some conversations prior to this appointment and had decided that if this month didn't work, we were going to just take some time off to catch our breaths. Life has seemed to be spinning pretty quickly out of control the past month or so. All within the last sixteen days, we have: found out we're not pregnant, started the daily shots (and did them for a solid week), and then found out it didn't work. That is a lot to process in just two weeks! Plus, work is getting stressful. The medication is taking its toll on me (physically and mentally). Right now, we just need to get back on our feet again.

So, we aren't giving up on you, little miracle. But we are going to get refreshed and refocused. December is just two days away and life will be hectic during the holiday season. I think if we added fertility treatments to the stress of the holidays, it would've just been madness. Keal and I can take this month to enjoy each other: no more medicine, no more constant doctor appointments, no more needles. Just a month or so for us.

The first time I heard this song, I was pulling into the parking garage of the doctor's office back in August. That was the day we found out we had to call off the shots and cancel IUI. I was so angry when I heard it because I just felt like it was confirmation that we would receive bad news that day - and we did. I heard this song again today, driving home from this appointment.

Our healing didn't come today. And yes it hurts. Yes, I'm feeling some sadness, anger, and confusion; I feel as if my life could so quickly fall apart. But through it all, as the song says, we will trust God always, knowing that He is working all things for our good. We will set our faith in who He is and know our healing will someday come.

Here's hoping this is the last one...pt 2

Well, it wasn't the last one....but today wasn't bad news either. So, I count it a good appointment.

The shots seem to be triggering some growth. Thankfully, at this point, it hasn't triggered too much growth either, like it did last time. However, there wasn't enough progress to say, yes, let's try IUI again. So, we keep at it, slow and steady. A few more shots this week, go back for yet another appointment, and we'll go from there.

Here's hoping this is the last one...

Today I head in for yet another check up. I have been trying to fight off the anger all weekend, but I think it is my defense mechanism. I know going into this appointment we could be told it worked too well. We could be told this just isn't going to work for us and IVF is the only route to go. So, in order to survive, I seem to get angry right before these nerve-racking appointments. I think it's my way of dealing with the disappointment before I am disappointed.

I know we will be parents some day. I know God is working this miracle in our lives. It's just been such a long, up-and-down journey to get there.

Here's hoping today was the last folistim shot!

Thanksgiving

I have been dreading today ever since we found out we weren't pregnant. Reasons why I was ready to just skip Thanksgiving:

1. I would be spending it with my pregnant sister-in-law.
2. When sharing what we were thankful for, I had planned on saying our miracle, and announce our pregnancy
3. I've slipped into a Debbie Downer state-of-mood, playing the pity-party game, "Oh poor me, there's nothing to be thankful for."
4. I was missing my family, who was out of town

I have to say though, today was not all bad.There were definitely moments of sadness, but even in my sadness, there is a lot to be thankful for.

This year, I am incredibly thankful for my marriage - probably even more than I have been in the past. This journey to you has been such a roller coaster ride for me personally, but also for our marriage. There have been so many different emotions and stresses along the way that Keal and I both process so differently. We have had such highs in this journey as a couple, and we have definitely hit rock bottom. Part of our challenge, is that we see it all. Our families get a glimpse of what we're going through, but Keal sees it all. He has seen me at my lowest, my angriest, and darkest places. And while this can add to the stress of the journey (it's tough to see each other at our ugliest), it has brought us closer together. No matter what, we are always there to pick each other up.

I found a card the other day, that put perfectly into words how much I appreciate Keal this year:

So grateful for your love. I know it can't' be easy putting up with all my moods, giving me the space I need when I'm unhappy or upset or filled with doubt...But somehow, you hang in there and accept me as I am, loving me through everything and being more supportive than I ever dreamed anyone could be...I only hope you realize how wonderful you are. There's no one luckier in love than I am because of you."

And it is so true; I wish I would've been the one to write those words! I am so blessed that Keal is the  man I get to take this journey with. I am blessed that we balance each other out so well. And I am blessed that we are facing this journey together because we are so much closer because of it. 

This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for a strong and united marriage. I am thankful for a love that can withstand the storms of this journey. I am thankful for the fact that Keal continues to hold me up and carry me on when I just don't have the strength. I am thankful for this time God has given me and Keal together as a family of two. We want you here so badly, but I'm grateful for this precious time together as a couple. I know once we receive our miracle, life will forever be changed. And while we are so ready to welcome that change, for now, we will appreciate this time we have together. I am thankful for the miracle God is working in our lives. We are beyond blessed for our beautiful life and for that, I am so thankful.

Loving his new Thanksgiving toy!

Let's try this again...