Sweaty Palms and Tears

It's funny, I thought I'd be more prepared this time around. I knew what to expect. I'm a pro at shots. I know how my body reacts to the meds. The countless doctor appointments, no big deal.

Boy, was I wrong.

This morning I stood in the bathroom, needle in hand, palms sweaty, tears streaming down my face. I just couldn't do it this morning. The first time around, each shot was one step closer to getting you. This time, I feel a little more jaded. Yes, if this works, each shot is one step closer to you. But, we've done this before with no luck. This time around I feel like I'm doing this for nothing, to just hear that it didn't work again.

I am trying to be hopeful, positive, and faithful that God has this all under control, but part of me just wishes we could get to you without the needles, the meds, and the doctors. I keep reminding myself of this quote:

"Even when God seemed to have abandoned me, he was watching me. Even when He seemed indifferent to my suffering, He was watching. And when I was beyond all hope of saving...He gave me rest and gave me a sign to continue my journey." ~Life of Pi~

I know God is with us. I know there is a reason for all we are going through. And no matter what, I know He is going to help us continue on our journey to you.

...Whatever Your Will

I started this morning calm, prayerful, and trusting. I started this morning confident in whatever news I got at my doctor's appointment. When I turned on my car, while still praying, the first words I heard were, "whatever your will, can you help me find it." I instantly felt a peace; it was my song from yesterday!

Today's appointment went great and we got the okay to start the treatments. I am excited to start and will be hopefully waiting to hear good news next week. Now that I have done this a few times before, I am prayerful that God will help me stay positive and focused. I am hoping to better fight some of the nasty side effects that come along with these medications. And through it all I will continue to hold strong to my faith that you will soon be in our lives.

Help Me Find It...

So tomorrow begins part two of this journey and already things could be going unlike how we planned. Should this surprise me? No - nothing in this journey has gone the way we have thought. So this should be nothing new. But, for pete's sake, not even my first appointment, only to learn we may not be able to start treatments tomorrow. When I first heard this, there wasn't as much disappointment as I probably would've had four months ago, but I also haven't given up hope on this month yet either.

I am learning to trust God and His timing more completely than I used to. As I was driving home tonight, praying to God for strength as our journey starts back up again, I heard a beautiful song, "Help Me Find It." It was a song about giving it all to God. It was a song about letting go. It was a song all about trust. I know whatever news we get tomorrow, it is the news God has planned for us. There is still a hope that tomorrow we get the okay to move forward with this month. And if not, I will trust God to help me find whatever His will.

Whatever your will...help us find it

Spring has Sprung

"Never cut a tree down in the wintertime. Never make a negative decision in the low time. Never make your most important decisions when you are in your worst moods. Wait. Be patient. The storm will pass. The spring will come." Robert H. Schuller

Today I am sitting on my back porch, enjoying the cool spring sunshine, reading and relaxing. As I was enjoying one of our first true spring days, I began to think of you (as I often do). I began to think about the hope and rejuvenation that is brought by the end of winter and start of spring. Just a week ago, the world seemed like a drab, cold, depressing place. Today, flowers are blooming, birds chirping, and life has begun again.

Maybe there is a reason we couldn't start treatments until now. I find it kind of beautiful that we are starting this back up with the start of spring. I look at the new life all around me and can't help but think, maybe this is the time for your life to begin too.

I am glad to see the winter has finally ended. I am glad for the beauty of spring. I am hopeful for what the future holds for our sweet family. I will hold on to this hope until I am holding you, my heart.

“The flower that blooms in adversity is the rarest and most beautiful of all.”

2nd Time Around

Nearly four months ago to the day, we decided we needed a moment to regroup and refocus. We decided to take a break from the needles and pills and mood swings. At first, I was hesitant with this decision. I felt like we had no time to stop, I needed you and I needed you now.

When I finally agreed to the break, January was my deadline. Two months MAX and then back into the swing of things.

Well, here we are, almost doubled my "max" time off and I must say, it was an absolutely wonderful decision. Reasons why this break was needed:

1.) Time to cleanse my body of all the chemicals I'd poured in from August to November
2.) Time to cleanse my head of all the negativity
3.) Time to focus on finishing up my National Boards and school work (which paid off...I was just named Teacher of the Year!)

This week I was able to travel to Florida, enjoy some quiet time with my parents, soak up some sun, and get ready to jump back into the swing of things with both feet. I know fertility treatment will never be easy, but at least this time I know what to expect. I know there will be great ups and downs, but I know God has a plan for us. I pray someday soon you are in my arms, sweet baby.

"A strong woman knows she has strength enough for the journey, but a woman of strength knows it is in the journey where she will become strong." ~Unknown~

24 weeks

Twenty some weeks ago we had our first attempt at IUI. Twenty some weeks ago we waited, for what seemed like an eternity, to see if our prayers had been answered. Twenty some weeks ago I entered my information into a website just sure that we were pregnant. We had to be.

Here we are, twenty some weeks later and I got onto that same website to look something up. On the front page read, "Congratulations, you are now 24 weeks pregnant." It continued with a picture of "my" baby in the womb, followed by facts about what "my" baby could now do, how big it was, and which organs were fully developed. Everything a truly pregnant woman would gush over reading.

While I trust that twenty some weeks ago wasn't God's time for you, I can't help but feel a little sadness from this terrible reminder. So, I decided to delete it. The website would not make this an easy task.

"Would you like to delete this child completely from your profile?"

Hmmm, would I like to? Absolutely not! I would love for this child to be real. But I clicked yes.

"Do you need help with miscarriage grief?"

At this point I was ready to chuck my phone out the window! What I need is to just make this "pregnancy" disappear without the need to be reminded that I am in fact not pregnant. What I need is the help of grieving something I never even had.

Finally, it was gone. No more questions. No more reminders on the screen at least, but how would I delete these reminders from my heart? It's funny how sad I can still get over a pregnancy that never was. Again, I truly and completely trust God's plan for us. But sometimes it still hurts that you aren't ours yet. Next week we more actively start up this journey again. I will hold on to the hope that someday soon you will be in our arms. I just can't wait to show you how much you are so very loved.

In My Saturday

Yesterday, while listening to the radio, the DJ asked if anyone was "stuck in their Saturday." She explained that on Friday Christ was killed and on Sunday he arose. But what about that Saturday? Saturday was the day in between - of waiting and wondering what would happen. Saturday was a silent day. It may have included pain, as they were mourning Christ's death, unaware of the hope Sunday would bring. Did the people feel God was ignoring them? As I reflected on this thought of a Silent Saturday, a day in between the problem and solution, I realized this journey is definitely my Saturday, waiting and wondering when our prayers will be answered.

Later, we were heading to Keal's side of the family for an early Easter celebration. All week long I have told Keal, I'm not going. Each holiday is another reminder that you still aren't here. You should be searching for Easter eggs with your cousins. Plus, this would be the first family function I would attend with baby Logan. I was just dreading it...

I am so happy and blessed that I went. I feel like there has been such a healing between Keal's family and me. Before, at these family functions, I felt so alone in my pain.

It is so different now. While they can't understand everything I'm going through, they do acknowledge that we're in pain. And for me, that is more than enough. I feel loved and I feel cared for.

Yesterday, I held baby Logan for a long time. I even had the opportunity to feed him. And I didn't even feel sadness. I was happy to be holding my sweet nephew. For this healing I am grateful.

As Keal's cousin was leaving, I could see tears in her eyes as she whispered to me, "That baby looks real good on you. You are a natural. Your day is coming sweetheart." I was so touched by her words and her acknowledgement.

Then, as Keal and I were leaving, his mom and sister both hugged me with tears in their eyes, thanking me for coming even though they knew how hard it was for me. I was so touched and thankful that they acknowledge these sacrifices we are making. Before I feared that I would have to stop coming to family functions because they were just too painful. I felt so alone. But now, having their love and support makes me realize that I can attend these events.

Today, is Easter. Today we celebrate that Christ was willing to die and rise again for each one of us. Today we celebrate that our Saturday, our waiting, had ended, giving us an opportunity for eternal life. And while I celebrate such a beautiful day, I also celebrate this personal Saturday that I am still in. I celebrate that some day our waiting will end and we will finally have you in our lives!