Praying for a Miracle

Well, tonight is the eve of another doctor's appointment. Tomorrow we discuss if IVF truly is the only route for us.

As we were laying in bed, I told Keal I'm so torn - how do I know what's being faithful and what's being foolish? I have complete faith God will give you to us. I don't doubt that for a second anymore. What I do doubt / worry about is what is faithful? If we go with IVF, is that trusting that's God's plan for us to get to you? Or should we have faith that God will perform a miracle for us. Or is it foolish not to go with IVF - because even if it takes IVF to get you, I will still praise God and will still know you are our precious miracle.

I told Keal, let's pray for a miracle this month; let's trust that God will do this for us. We've always prayed for you, but I've never specifically asked God to move His hand right now. I remember a sermon my dad once preached - that we have the power to move God's hand. We have the power when we pray specifically for our needs that God will answer our prayer. Keal quickly agreed with me, "Let's pray together, every single night before we go to bed, for our miracle." I was beyond excited that it was Keal offering this idea.

So, there we were, holding hands and hugging in the dark, while Keal offered the most perfect prayer for you, our sweet and beautiful miracle. He asked God to please give you to us. He promised God that we would love you with all of our hearts. He promised God that we would bring you up in a happy, safe, loving, Christ centered home. He poured His heart out, asking God for this miracle. It was such a powerful moment for me in both this journey to you and in my marriage with Keal. I thank God for this journey as I know it is bringing Keal closer to God.

So this month we are faithfully praying for God's hand to move. This month we are completely committed to praying for our miracle!

Alone

Today I'm feeling very alone in this journey to you. No one understands what this is like. No one can feel what I'm feeling and no one else feels these things either. No one knows the pain I have with the uncertainty of how long this journey will take. I can talk to others, but sometimes that just makes me angrier because they don't react the way I think they should react. I want to talk about this journey to people, but I want them to feel my pain too. So when they don't or when they try to offer words of advice, it makes me more angry and annoyed. I want them crying along with me. I just don't want to feel quite so alone anymore. It's just unlike any situation any of us have gone through. But I guess this is my journey to face alone.

Need You Now

Well, today has been the most painful day physically thus far. The shots and pills did exactly what they were supposed to, but to a fault. So, you are not on your way yet, but I am still dealing with the side effects as if you were. I can handle the pain and will tough it out. But the worst part about it is each time I feel pain, I'm reminded that it didn't work this month; that this pain is all for nothing this month. And I know that's not completely true; each step (good and bad) is a step towards you. I know that even this painful part of our journey is all apart of the bigger plan. But it still hurts (physically and emotionally).

I heard a new song today while trying to push through this physical and emotional pain, Need You Now:

So, in the midst of this pain today, I cry out to God, I need you now. And I know He hears me and I know He is comforting us through this journey to you. I find myself thinking,"I want to believe there's beauty here," even in this pain. And I know you are the beauty, I just wish you were here now! And so I cry out to God, I need you now, as I try to find the beauty today. And as the lyrics also stated, so often I have wondered how we got here and how we will ever get to where we are going.  There are days like today where I have cried out to God just asking Him to take this pain and journey away. But I know it is all for His perfect plan. I know our miracle is waiting for us. And I am excited for the day that God reveals you to us. I am excited for the day that Keal sees firsthand God's hand move in our lives.

Today I praise God that He has heard my every cry out to Him. Today I praise God that through each cry He picks me up and gives me strength. I praise God that every time I whisper, I need you now, He is always there pulling us through along this beautiful journey to you.

Not Strong Enough

Well, today is a bad day. And, I started the day without even trying to fight it. I was just miserable and going to give myself a day to be miserable (every now and then you need to just let it out).

Well, this afternoon I had the house to myself as Keal and his dad worked on the patio out back. So I fiddled around the house, blaring some Christian music, trying to burn off some of my anger. Music can usually rescue me. Not today. All of the songs were awful. Not only that, I didn't recognize one song in a thirty minute span - which is bizarre being that I've only been listening to Christian radio in the past several months. "See, not even these stupid songs snap me outta this today." Whenever you're angry it seems like you can find all the reasons why you should stay angry. I mean, if the Christian songs are even bad, then of course that's reason to stay mad!

And as I was thinking these negative thoughts, God showed Himself, yet again to me. (I often imagine how exhausted God must get with me....and yet He never lets me down. And even when I begin to doubt Him or myself, He still stays right by and picks me up, time and time again.)

As I was feeling exhausted from this journey to you; as I was getting angry that you aren't here yet; and as I was asking God why; the song "Strong Enough," came on.

I mean, could these lyrics be any better?! This is exactly what my heart was feeling today. This is exactly what I've been feeling. From the first verse to the last, the ups and downs of this song is exactly how I feel. I want to ask Mr. West if he wrote this song with my journey to you in mind! So, in the midst of my pity-party-kinda-day, I'm thanking God that even though I'm not strong enough today to handle this journey, I know He is strong enough to carry me through. And I know that with complete and total faith, you are waiting for me at the end of this journey.

Cry Out to Jesus

So today I find myself fighting the urge to:

• be angry at: 
• God - I've been so faithful....why didn't this work
• dumb parents around me who don't know how to raise their children (a student of mine showed up without ever meeting me on the first day with no school supplies, and no note as to how they wanted him to get home today, nor did they return my several phone calls asking how he would be getting home. Really?! These people get to be parents?!)
• smart parents who I'm angry with simply because they're parents
• those who don't act the way I want them to act (why is life continuing as it normally does?! why aren't people crying with me and mourning this news?)
• be jealous: there are so many parents out there who don't want to be parents; who are bad parents; or worst of all are wonderful parents, that I completely envy and want their lives.
• ask why
• throw a pity party, cry, and eat ice cream (which I'm not gonna lie, that DQ run we just made did help a little!)

Well driving home from our much needed ice cream, we turned on the radio. And as always, through my anger, my tears, my questioning of God, He still wrapped His arms around me and whispered He's got this under control and He loves us.

I do have complete faith in God that this journey is going to lead us to you. However, today I am hurting and I know that is okay. And so, I will cry out to Jesus, hold strong to my faith, and pray for that day when we finally meet you.

Another Bump

Well, we have hit yet another bump in this journey to you. Today's appointment did not at all go as expected. In fact, I hadn't even prepared myself for this news.

I was going to today's appointment to find out when we would be doing IUI. Now, if IUI didn't work, that I was going to prepare myself for.

Instead, we found out that my body reacts way too well to the shots and pills. Where there should have been one or two follicles total, there were 12 on one side and 10 on the other. Which means no IUI at all. Which means we are back to the beginning. And worst of all, which means we have to go the IVF route (this has been my biggest prayer all along -- anything but IVF).

So, needless to say, today has been a pretty devastating day. And to make matters worse (and better in some ways), tomorrow is the first day of school. This is good because it is keeping me distracted. However, I feel distracted by this journey to you right now and fear I won't be the best teacher possible this week. I just don't feel like school is at the top of my priority list right now.

But, through all this pain today, I have still felt God telling me He is with me and has a plan with me. In fact, each song that came on the radio today was just for me. Even the DJ on the Christian radio station made a comment, "If you find yourself in pain today, things didn't go as you planned, just know that God has a bigger plan for you." So, through my tears and pain, I praise God. I know He has a plan for me and I know He has a plan for you.

The Best Life Possible

Today's message in church was simple, if you want the best life possible, you have to have the best relationship possible with God.

James 4:8
"Draw closer to God and he will draw closer to you."

I am truly thankful for this journey to you because if it has done anything, it has definitely brought me closer to God and He closer to me. There is no way I could stay as positive as I have without my faith. And I know, firsthand, that as I have drawn closer to Him, He has held me tighter and drawn closer to me. This message was just perfect for me.

So, as I continue on to you, I will continue to strive to draw closer to God. I know that He has a plan for me and my life. And I know that to continue to live the best life possible, I need to continue reaching out to Him. And when I think of all He has done for me, how could I not? To reach out to Him is the least I can do to say thank you for my beautiful, best life!