If

Today is the eve of our first attempt at IUI. I am trying to fight the anxiety today and trying to remain faithful. I trust God's plan completely today. I know whatever happens tomorrow, happens for a reason. I also find myself so thankful for this opportunity. Had things gone as I had hoped, we would've been doing the daily injections today. Had things gone as I had hoped, we may have been told too many mature follicles again. Instead, God intervened, changed the plans again, and has given us this most surprising opportunity at IUI! So no matter what happens, I find myself rejoicing for the way God has had His hand in this journey from the beginning. God's plan is so much better than the one I ever could have had.

Yesterday, we were sitting on the couch eating breakfast and Keal said, "Okay, what's the plan for today?" I couldn't help but to laugh at him and say, "It's pretty bad when the planner doesn't care and the spontaneous one needs a plan." But it's so true. I have definitely learned to let go a little and just live! I'm not going to lie, I still like to plan some things, but I do trust God a lot more than I ever thought imaginable. I am learning to let go, enjoy the moment, and live!

Today's message in church was simple; it was, "If." We read several verses, but two of my favorite verses from today were:

Mark 9:23 "Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth."

Matthew 21:21 "Jesus answered and said unto them, Verily I say unto you, If ye have faith, and doubt not, ye shall not only do this which is done to the fig tree, but also if ye shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; it shall be done.And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive."

I go into tomorrow's appointment believing with complete and pure faith. I go into tomorrow's appointment trusting the Lord and knowing He can...and will...do this miracle in our lives! I feel like I have ended a lot of my posts this way, but it is so true. I am so thankful for this journey. Not every woman experiences half of what I have experienced to become a mother. And for that I am so incredibly thankful. I have such a different outlook and appreciation for parenthood. We will welcome you into the world little one with pure and loving hearts. And we can't wait until that day! We move ahead, waiting and trusting the Lord with faithful hearts.

Sweet Surprise

Well little one, today we had another doctor's appointment to see if the pill did anything again. This was a bonus month in my mind, so I had no expectations. Before the doctor came in, my mom grabbed my hand and we each prayed. I felt such peace while praying; yet caught myself fighting the urge to feel comforted. I didn't want to feel hope because I didn't want to feel disappointment. But in that moment, I know God was with us and I know He heard our prayers.

The doctor began the ultrasound and first looked at my right side. "Well darn, lots of potentials but they're all sleeping." In my mind, bummer but no real surprise; we could try again next month.

She then looked at left side. Before she said anything, I whispered, "oh wow!" There it was. Plain as day. A large and mature follicle! She smiled too, "We have a really nice one here." I began praying as she began measuring. 15 mm. It was big enough!

The next five minutes were a blur as we continued to receive good news after good news. "Okay, so Sunday, I'd like to give yourself the trigger shot and then come back Monday for IUI." I wanted to say, "Um, come again?! Do what?!' But she didn't stop there! Turns out, the shot I've been dreading can be given using a smaller needle (like the ones I've already done). It can be done in my stomach, not back, so Keal doesn't have to do it! AND she already prepared it for me! So no mixing, no giant needles, and no needing someone else to do it. I was in complete shock. Not only do we now have a little more hope than we've ever had before, but we are going to finally give this thing a shot!

I feel so incredibly blessed and overjoyed today. We have been praying so hard and so long for you. I know this doesn't guarantee you will be on your way after Monday, but it means we may get you without IVF. Had we not had last months disappointments being told we couldn't do the shots, we wouldn't have had this month's joy! I am so thankful God has heard our prayers. I am thankful for the disappointments we've had along the way so that we can celebrate this good news. It is going to be a long two or three weeks waiting to see if this worked, I am sure. But we will go forward with prayerful, faithful hearts, waiting patiently for you, our sweet one, and trusting God's perfect plan.

Gatlinburg pt 2

Well my first post about Gatlinburg came from a place of hurt and pain. Now that we are on our ride home, I don't think that's a completely fair reflection of our trip. Yes, there were uncomfortable moments of pain, but overall this trip was much better than I anticipated; I had prepared myself for the worst. One thing I have learned from this journey is that I am a lot tougher than I ever thought I was and I continue to surprise myself with all that I can handle.

So with this post, lets celebrate all the positives this trip held! Things I am thankful for:

1.) Time away with my hubby! Keal and I had a really nice time together - hiking, exploring the town, and just enjoying time away from everyday life. Not only this vacation, but this journey has brought us so much closer and for that I am thankful. Keal was so kind and sensitive of my pain this weekend. I am thankful that he was aware enough to constantly be checking in on me and making sure I was okay.

2.) Time away to go on a spectacular hike. It was great to be out and active. It was great to be surrounded by nature and have no distractions around us.

3.) Putt-putt golf with my adorable nephew (who did better than some of the adults in our group!)

4.) A day in the city of Gatlinburg - with a few hours to just me and Keal. It was nice to just stroll the city, peek in a few shops, and eat some deliciously unhealthy snacks!

5.) Starting each morning with some very needed alone time on the deck, listening to music, sipping juice, and enjoying the view.

6.) Overcoming a fear and riding the Sky Tram to Ober Gatlinburg. Minor panic attack in the process, but I basically rode an elevator...twice! Maybe there's hope for my claustrophobia after all!

7.) A ski lift ride up to the mountain with Keal and a fun slide down!

8.) And thoughtful texts from my family throughout the weekend, making sure I was okay. My mom who let me do my venting and helped validate all I was feeling. My sister who constantly texted me during putt putt keeping me calm! And for my brother texting me on Sunday morning, reminding me to hold on to my faith.

All in all, this was a great weekend getaway for us. We had some fun, I overcame some personal struggles, and I continued to grow closer to the Lord - with all the pain of this journey, I am thankful because each difficult experience brings me closer to God and makes my faith that much stronger. So, I thank you Lord for showing me another challenge that I could overcome in this journey!

Gatlinburg

This weekend found me in a peculiar situation...a weekend getaway to Gatlinburg with my sister-in-laws and their families. My pregnant sister-in-laws.

The first full day down here was spectacular. The three husbands and myself went on a five mile hike to Rainbow Falls in the Smoky Mountains. The views were stunning. It was so peaceful to be out in the middle of nowhere taking in the sights. I found myself thanking God for the opportunity to go and see something new, another one of his magnificent creations.

Once we got home, things got difficult for me. It is so hard to be around these pregnant bellies. It was different when they weren't showing - still hard - but not in my face every second. Now, every time I look at them I am reminded - they're pregnant, I'm not.

I truly know God has a perfect plan for us and that you will soon be in our lives. But it's just so hard not to wonder, why them? Why not me?

I am typing these words on a gorgeous, crisp morning on the back porch of our cabin looking out on a spectacular view, I am listening to my Let Faith Arise playlist, and realizing in my pain, God is still with me. I know have blogged about this song before, but as I type these are the lyrics playing right now:

When I'm far away from home

And the cool winds start to blow.

When I'm empty and alone, I turn to you.

When there's hardness in my heart

And I can't see the truth.

When I'm wandering in the dark,

I turn to you.

And here in your holy presence

It's all that I can do.

I turn to you Jesus

I turn to you, Lord

What else can I do, Jesus

I turn to you.

I can't help but smile as I sing along. Thank you God for reminding me. How perfect were these lyrics: I was sitting here, feeling so "far away from home" and so "alone" out here. No one understands the pain. I am feeling angry at my sister-in-laws - feeling a "hardness in my heart" and not understanding / "seeing the truth" in this journey. And then I looked out at my view and felt God with me - I felt His "holy presence." And I instantly felt comforted, I turned to Jesus, and felt a peace.

Yes, this weekend is difficult and painful. Yes it sometimes seems unfair, but through it all, I know God still loves me. I know He has a greater plan for me than I can see right now. This struggle will all be worth it in the end. We will love and appreciate you so much more than had you just been given to us when we first asked. And maybe this time next year, I will be holding you on this porch swing, taking in this incredible view. And until then, we will wait. Faithfully.

Change of Plans

Well, we didn't get the news we had hoped for at last Tuesday's appointment, but I also felt a peace in the appointment. Things did not work at all, so once again IUI was called off. I strangely left feeling comfortable with this news. I felt God with us; trusting His perfect plan, trying to perfect my patience.

We left with the following game plan: try shots and femara again, but a lower dose of the injection. I was comfortable with this plan and grateful to dodge IVF again.

Well, just one week later, this plan had to be scraped too. I was first very devastated to put another month on hold. But as always, God showed He has His hand in every step of this journey to you.

We are not doing shots yet because the doctors are out of the office for the next two weeks. So, we are trying one more month of straight pills. I am thankful for this change of plans because I feel like this will eliminate the "what ifs." If this month does not work, I will trust completely that pills alone aren't for us.

But more importantly, I am grateful for this extra month because this is another opportunity for God's hand to be moved. I had thought September was the last chance at our miracle. How silly to limit God! Slowly but surely I am learning to have perfect patience. I am learning that when we don't always get the news we are hoping for that this is just another chance for God to work His miracle. And until He is ready to work this miracle in our lives, we will continue to trust His plan and know in faith believing that you will soon be apart of our lives.

Perfect Patience

What a great day today was in church; I felt as if God had my face in His hands talking directly to me. The message come from....James 1, the same exact verses I focused on yesterday! Today we talked about things we have waited for in the past and how worth it the wait was once we got those things.

I didn't share this because I'm still waiting....but you, my sweet one, are the thing I have so waited for. And I know once we get you, it will have all been worth it. All the stress and worry, the pain and struggle, it will all be for such a perfect miracle.

Today, it was explained that God wants to give us everything....but on His time. We must learn patience, because those things we ask for are coming. Sometimes all God wants is for us to ask Him one more time. So, as I'm waiting, I will continue to trust God's plan. I will continue to ask Him to fulfill His perfect plan and put you into our lives. And as always, along this journey, I will praise Him for all that He does for me in my wonderful life.

But why?

This journey has been such a roller coaster of emotions. We have experienced such beautiful and inspiring highs and such devastating lows. Each day brings with it a new emotion. And through these highs and lows, through the tears and praises, the anger and fears, I can't help but ask God why. I don't ask because I doubt His plan - I know there is a reason. I ask because I just can't see the big picture yet. I do believe that a lot of this is helping to increase Keal's relationship with God. I believe I am learning to not be such a planner, to let go, and to trust God more. But still...why? Why so long? Why us? Why not others who seem to need this lesson more than us?

I am trying to focus on my faith and trust in God over these next five days as we wait for Tuesday's appointment. I am trusting that His hand will be moved. I am trying not to focus on the negatives that we could hear, but yet the positive that no matter what we hear, we are one step closer to you. And through it all, I am trying to understand His plan for us.

Today, I was reading from the first chapter of James. What a perfect chapter for me this morning, helping to answer my constant whys.


1:2-4 "My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing."

When God gives us a challenge or trial, we need to accept His challenge with joy. No, it is not the trial itself we are joyful for, but it is because of the trials that God can work positive things in our lives. Through this painful journey to you, we are going to witness such an incredible miracle in our lives. Through this painful journey, we are growing closer to God each and every day. How could I not joy in these wonderful things? It is the victory over these trials that are going to bring this spiritual growth...so I cannot fall. I must stay strong throughout this journey, so that at the end I can claim victory with Jesus Christ! 

1: 5 "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him."

Ah-ha! Validation that my constant whys are okay! Not asking why in pity and in the poor me mode, but asking for His wisdom to understand this journey. And I thank God that as I was asking Him why this morning, He answered with this chapter! God does not give us a trial and leave us to figure it out on our own. He gives us trials to test us - will we turn to Him for guidance? Will we stay strong in our walk with Him as we walk through these trials? Will we thank Him and find joy in Him along the way of our trials?

1: 6-8 "But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed. For let not that man think that he shall receive any thing of the Lord. A double minded man is unstable in all his ways."

When we ask Him why though, it must be in faith. It must be in strength. We must trust in the Lord that He will bring us through these trials.

This morning I am praising God that He heard my question and that He answered my why. Do I have all the answers? No. But do I have a better understanding and more wisdom in this journey? Absolutely. I know God has a perfect plan for us, for this journey, and for you. I know that if we stay strong throughout this journey, our relationship with God will just be that much stronger in the end. And so, through the pain, through the ups and downs, I will continue to find joy in this journey. I will continue to find joy in our trials because our sweet and perfect miracle is waiting for us at the end of the pain!