- For serving such an incredible, loving, tender, merciful God. I felt His presence with me all day long. I felt Him calming me as I became anxious. I felt Him through song. I felt Him while teaching, and I felt Him in my quiet moments. I know God had me and Keal wrapped tightly in His arms today and for that alone I am so grateful and thankful. This would've been enough today...but there is much more to be thankful for! Who are we to ever be this loved? We serve an awesome God!!
- My fabulous, supportive husband. He was standing in the parking lot watching me pull in, waiting to greet me. Keal doesn't like to show much excitement....let me rephrase, much emotion of any kind, but especially in this journey! He is my rock and calming force. When I'm down, he tries to stay up. But I could honestly tell he was as excited as I was today. He was hopeful and anxious with me. It was nice to share the same excitement with him. While sitting in the exam room, waiting for the doctor to come in, we grabbed hands and he offered a prayer. I am so grateful for the personal relationship he is forming with God. He offered such a perfectly powerful prayer for you and for our journey. He was thankful and faithful. I love where our relationship is going as a couple. I love that I can turn to him to offer a prayer for us. It calmed my nerves and I felt a peace come over the room. After the appointment, he leaned over kissed me, and whispered, "I sure hope this worked." I know he wants this as badly as I do, but it is so reassuring to hear him verbalize his desires. It was a sweet moment we shared together. I love my husband and I love where this journey is bringing us!
- For fabulous family and their texts throughout the day checking in on me. They have been such solid rocks for me in this journey. They continue to pick us up as we journey along.
- An easy, painless, quick procedure. I had been so nervous all day long about this procedure - I knew I would have at least one moment of uncomfortableness. Nothing! Nothing!! It was so quick and easy.
- An amazing staff at the doctor's office. I think every person in there let us know, one way or another, that they were hoping for good news. We got pats on the back, winks and finger crosses, and kind words. It is because of the school that I teach at, that I found this doctor. God has His hands in everything - it is incredible to see how it all works out! Because I took a job at Harmony Elementary, I met two fabulous women - one who knows the doctor personally, and one who was a patient here. Because I took a job at Harmony Elementary, I found the most perfect doctor's office for me. Thank you God for having your hand in this journey...three years before we realized we'd even be on this journey!
- For all of the experiences had by my family today too. God wasn't just comforting me or Keal today; He was with us all!
- For random texts, from old dear friends who did not even know about today's procedure. "Hi Court! Xoxo love you! Hope you have time to see the blessings in your life today." I know God put it on her heart to text me today. I am so thankful He did, and I'm so thankful she listened! It was such a great, comforting message to get right before our appointment.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Rejoice in the Lord...Always!
I have to start by saying what an incredible day today has been. I have so much to be thankful for; I don't' even know how to organize my thoughts to begin. So, here we go, things I'm so thankful for today:
363 days
October 20, 2011, I had a doctor's appointment because there were some things going on that just didn't seem right. We had been ready to meet you for seven months at this point and there was still no sign.
October 31, 2011....363 days from today, almost a year to the date, the word infertility was used in my doctor's appointment. "Looks like you may have some issues with infertility. You'll have to wait to speak with Dr. Johnson. Make an appointment when you check out and she'll see you in a couple of weeks." And just like that, the doctor was out of the room. As if hearing the diagnosis of infertility is no big deal. And there I was, left alone with my tears, fears, and uncertainties. It was probably the most difficult appointment I have ever had because I had not even come close to thinking about fertility problems.
October 31, 2011 I was so ready to be pregnant.
Now, here we are, October 29th, 2012 and I find myself in a much better state of mind. The past year and seven months have been trying; that is for sure. It has tested me as an individual and it has tested my relationship as a wife. But I have so grown through this experience. I have experienced physical things I never thought possible (how is it, the girl who used to scream and fuss over a finger prick, stuck a needle into her own stomach yesterday?!). I have experienced emotional things that have made me stronger. And most importantly is the spiritual growth I have made throughout this journey.
I go into today's appointment with a trust and freedom I never thought possible. I know that God's hand is in this journey completely. I know that God is going to give us you. And because of this faith and trust, I know that whatever happens today is God's plan. I go into today's appointment with that same desire to become a mother, but I don't have the fear that the word "infertility" caused me nearly a year ago. Fear has no place in this journey anymore because I know completely that God will work this miracle.
So, after a year of medicine, a year of countless appointments and procedures, I go into this appointment putting this journey solely in God's hands. I go into this appointment full of faith. I go into this appointment with an open-heart and open-mind, trusting that God will work this miracle because, "if you have faith, and doubt not, it will be done. And all things, whatsoever you shall ask in prayer, believing, you will receive."
No matter what, I will remember these words today (I've heard this song a thousand times, but heard it again on the radio this morning):
"You are God alone
From before time began
You were on Your throne
You are God alone
And right now
In God times and bad
You are on Your throne
You are God alone
You're the only God
Whose power none can contend
You're the only God
Whose name and praise will never end
You're the only God
Who's worthy of everything we can give
You are God
And that's just the way it is"
October 31, 2011....363 days from today, almost a year to the date, the word infertility was used in my doctor's appointment. "Looks like you may have some issues with infertility. You'll have to wait to speak with Dr. Johnson. Make an appointment when you check out and she'll see you in a couple of weeks." And just like that, the doctor was out of the room. As if hearing the diagnosis of infertility is no big deal. And there I was, left alone with my tears, fears, and uncertainties. It was probably the most difficult appointment I have ever had because I had not even come close to thinking about fertility problems.
October 31, 2011 I was so ready to be pregnant.
Now, here we are, October 29th, 2012 and I find myself in a much better state of mind. The past year and seven months have been trying; that is for sure. It has tested me as an individual and it has tested my relationship as a wife. But I have so grown through this experience. I have experienced physical things I never thought possible (how is it, the girl who used to scream and fuss over a finger prick, stuck a needle into her own stomach yesterday?!). I have experienced emotional things that have made me stronger. And most importantly is the spiritual growth I have made throughout this journey.
I go into today's appointment with a trust and freedom I never thought possible. I know that God's hand is in this journey completely. I know that God is going to give us you. And because of this faith and trust, I know that whatever happens today is God's plan. I go into today's appointment with that same desire to become a mother, but I don't have the fear that the word "infertility" caused me nearly a year ago. Fear has no place in this journey anymore because I know completely that God will work this miracle.
So, after a year of medicine, a year of countless appointments and procedures, I go into this appointment putting this journey solely in God's hands. I go into this appointment full of faith. I go into this appointment with an open-heart and open-mind, trusting that God will work this miracle because, "if you have faith, and doubt not, it will be done. And all things, whatsoever you shall ask in prayer, believing, you will receive."
"You are God alone
From before time began
You were on Your throne
You are God alone
And right now
In God times and bad
You are on Your throne
You are God alone
You're the only God
Whose power none can contend
You're the only God
Whose name and praise will never end
You're the only God
Who's worthy of everything we can give
You are God
And that's just the way it is"
Sunday, October 28, 2012
If
Today is the eve of our first attempt at IUI. I am trying to fight the anxiety today and trying to remain faithful. I trust God's plan completely today. I know whatever happens tomorrow, happens for a reason. I also find myself so thankful for this opportunity. Had things gone as I had hoped, we would've been doing the daily injections today. Had things gone as I had hoped, we may have been told too many mature follicles again. Instead, God intervened, changed the plans again, and has given us this most surprising opportunity at IUI! So no matter what happens, I find myself rejoicing for the way God has had His hand in this journey from the beginning. God's plan is so much better than the one I ever could have had.
Yesterday, we were sitting on the couch eating breakfast and Keal said, "Okay, what's the plan for today?" I couldn't help but to laugh at him and say, "It's pretty bad when the planner doesn't care and the spontaneous one needs a plan." But it's so true. I have definitely learned to let go a little and just live! I'm not going to lie, I still like to plan some things, but I do trust God a lot more than I ever thought imaginable. I am learning to let go, enjoy the moment, and live!
Today's message in church was simple; it was, "If." We read several verses, but two of my favorite verses from today were:
Mark 9:23 "Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth."
Matthew 21:21 "Jesus answered and said unto them, Verily I say unto you, If ye have faith, and doubt not, ye shall not only do this which is done to the fig tree, but also if ye shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; it shall be done.And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive."
I go into tomorrow's appointment believing with complete and pure faith. I go into tomorrow's appointment trusting the Lord and knowing He can...and will...do this miracle in our lives! I feel like I have ended a lot of my posts this way, but it is so true. I am so thankful for this journey. Not every woman experiences half of what I have experienced to become a mother. And for that I am so incredibly thankful. I have such a different outlook and appreciation for parenthood. We will welcome you into the world little one with pure and loving hearts. And we can't wait until that day! We move ahead, waiting and trusting the Lord with faithful hearts.
Yesterday, we were sitting on the couch eating breakfast and Keal said, "Okay, what's the plan for today?" I couldn't help but to laugh at him and say, "It's pretty bad when the planner doesn't care and the spontaneous one needs a plan." But it's so true. I have definitely learned to let go a little and just live! I'm not going to lie, I still like to plan some things, but I do trust God a lot more than I ever thought imaginable. I am learning to let go, enjoy the moment, and live!
Today's message in church was simple; it was, "If." We read several verses, but two of my favorite verses from today were:
Mark 9:23 "Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth."
Matthew 21:21 "Jesus answered and said unto them, Verily I say unto you, If ye have faith, and doubt not, ye shall not only do this which is done to the fig tree, but also if ye shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; it shall be done.And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive."
I go into tomorrow's appointment believing with complete and pure faith. I go into tomorrow's appointment trusting the Lord and knowing He can...and will...do this miracle in our lives! I feel like I have ended a lot of my posts this way, but it is so true. I am so thankful for this journey. Not every woman experiences half of what I have experienced to become a mother. And for that I am so incredibly thankful. I have such a different outlook and appreciation for parenthood. We will welcome you into the world little one with pure and loving hearts. And we can't wait until that day! We move ahead, waiting and trusting the Lord with faithful hearts.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Sweet Surprise
Well little one, today we had another doctor's appointment to see if the pill did anything again. This was a bonus month in my mind, so I had no expectations. Before the doctor came in, my mom grabbed my hand and we each prayed. I felt such peace while praying; yet caught myself fighting the urge to feel comforted. I didn't want to feel hope because I didn't want to feel disappointment. But in that moment, I know God was with us and I know He heard our prayers.
The doctor began the ultrasound and first looked at my right side. "Well darn, lots of potentials but they're all sleeping." In my mind, bummer but no real surprise; we could try again next month.
She then looked at left side. Before she said anything, I whispered, "oh wow!" There it was. Plain as day. A large and mature follicle! She smiled too, "We have a really nice one here." I began praying as she began measuring. 15 mm. It was big enough!
The next five minutes were a blur as we continued to receive good news after good news. "Okay, so Sunday, I'd like to give yourself the trigger shot and then come back Monday for IUI." I wanted to say, "Um, come again?! Do what?!' But she didn't stop there! Turns out, the shot I've been dreading can be given using a smaller needle (like the ones I've already done). It can be done in my stomach, not back, so Keal doesn't have to do it! AND she already prepared it for me! So no mixing, no giant needles, and no needing someone else to do it. I was in complete shock. Not only do we now have a little more hope than we've ever had before, but we are going to finally give this thing a shot!
I feel so incredibly blessed and overjoyed today. We have been praying so hard and so long for you. I know this doesn't guarantee you will be on your way after Monday, but it means we may get you without IVF. Had we not had last months disappointments being told we couldn't do the shots, we wouldn't have had this month's joy! I am so thankful God has heard our prayers. I am thankful for the disappointments we've had along the way so that we can celebrate this good news. It is going to be a long two or three weeks waiting to see if this worked, I am sure. But we will go forward with prayerful, faithful hearts, waiting patiently for you, our sweet one, and trusting God's perfect plan.
The doctor began the ultrasound and first looked at my right side. "Well darn, lots of potentials but they're all sleeping." In my mind, bummer but no real surprise; we could try again next month.
She then looked at left side. Before she said anything, I whispered, "oh wow!" There it was. Plain as day. A large and mature follicle! She smiled too, "We have a really nice one here." I began praying as she began measuring. 15 mm. It was big enough!
The next five minutes were a blur as we continued to receive good news after good news. "Okay, so Sunday, I'd like to give yourself the trigger shot and then come back Monday for IUI." I wanted to say, "Um, come again?! Do what?!' But she didn't stop there! Turns out, the shot I've been dreading can be given using a smaller needle (like the ones I've already done). It can be done in my stomach, not back, so Keal doesn't have to do it! AND she already prepared it for me! So no mixing, no giant needles, and no needing someone else to do it. I was in complete shock. Not only do we now have a little more hope than we've ever had before, but we are going to finally give this thing a shot!
I feel so incredibly blessed and overjoyed today. We have been praying so hard and so long for you. I know this doesn't guarantee you will be on your way after Monday, but it means we may get you without IVF. Had we not had last months disappointments being told we couldn't do the shots, we wouldn't have had this month's joy! I am so thankful God has heard our prayers. I am thankful for the disappointments we've had along the way so that we can celebrate this good news. It is going to be a long two or three weeks waiting to see if this worked, I am sure. But we will go forward with prayerful, faithful hearts, waiting patiently for you, our sweet one, and trusting God's perfect plan.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Gatlinburg pt 2
Well my first post about Gatlinburg came from a place of hurt and pain. Now that we are on our ride home, I don't think that's a completely fair reflection of our trip. Yes, there were uncomfortable moments of pain, but overall this trip was much better than I anticipated; I had prepared myself for the worst. One thing I have learned from this journey is that I am a lot tougher than I ever thought I was and I continue to surprise myself with all that I can handle.
So with this post, lets celebrate all the positives this trip held! Things I am thankful for:
1.) Time away with my hubby! Keal and I had a really nice time together - hiking, exploring the town, and just enjoying time away from everyday life. Not only this vacation, but this journey has brought us so much closer and for that I am thankful. Keal was so kind and sensitive of my pain this weekend. I am thankful that he was aware enough to constantly be checking in on me and making sure I was okay.
2.) Time away to go on a spectacular hike. It was great to be out and active. It was great to be surrounded by nature and have no distractions around us.
3.) Putt-putt golf with my adorable nephew (who did better than some of the adults in our group!)
4.) A day in the city of Gatlinburg - with a few hours to just me and Keal. It was nice to just stroll the city, peek in a few shops, and eat some deliciously unhealthy snacks!
5.) Starting each morning with some very needed alone time on the deck, listening to music, sipping juice, and enjoying the view.
6.) Overcoming a fear and riding the Sky Tram to Ober Gatlinburg. Minor panic attack in the process, but I basically rode an elevator...twice! Maybe there's hope for my claustrophobia after all!
7.) A ski lift ride up to the mountain with Keal and a fun slide down!
8.) And thoughtful texts from my family throughout the weekend, making sure I was okay. My mom who let me do my venting and helped validate all I was feeling. My sister who constantly texted me during putt putt keeping me calm! And for my brother texting me on Sunday morning, reminding me to hold on to my faith.
All in all, this was a great weekend getaway for us. We had some fun, I overcame some personal struggles, and I continued to grow closer to the Lord - with all the pain of this journey, I am thankful because each difficult experience brings me closer to God and makes my faith that much stronger. So, I thank you Lord for showing me another challenge that I could overcome in this journey!
So with this post, lets celebrate all the positives this trip held! Things I am thankful for:
1.) Time away with my hubby! Keal and I had a really nice time together - hiking, exploring the town, and just enjoying time away from everyday life. Not only this vacation, but this journey has brought us so much closer and for that I am thankful. Keal was so kind and sensitive of my pain this weekend. I am thankful that he was aware enough to constantly be checking in on me and making sure I was okay.
3.) Putt-putt golf with my adorable nephew (who did better than some of the adults in our group!)
5.) Starting each morning with some very needed alone time on the deck, listening to music, sipping juice, and enjoying the view.
All in all, this was a great weekend getaway for us. We had some fun, I overcame some personal struggles, and I continued to grow closer to the Lord - with all the pain of this journey, I am thankful because each difficult experience brings me closer to God and makes my faith that much stronger. So, I thank you Lord for showing me another challenge that I could overcome in this journey!
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Gatlinburg
This weekend found me in a peculiar situation...a weekend getaway to Gatlinburg with my sister-in-laws and their families. My pregnant sister-in-laws.
The first full day down here was spectacular. The three husbands and myself went on a five mile hike to Rainbow Falls in the Smoky Mountains. The views were stunning. It was so peaceful to be out in the middle of nowhere taking in the sights. I found myself thanking God for the opportunity to go and see something new, another one of his magnificent creations.
Once we got home, things got difficult for me. It is so hard to be around these pregnant bellies. It was different when they weren't showing - still hard - but not in my face every second. Now, every time I look at them I am reminded - they're pregnant, I'm not.
I truly know God has a perfect plan for us and that you will soon be in our lives. But it's just so hard not to wonder, why them? Why not me?
I am typing these words on a gorgeous, crisp morning on the back porch of our cabin looking out on a spectacular view, I am listening to my Let Faith Arise playlist, and realizing in my pain, God is still with me. I know have blogged about this song before, but as I type these are the lyrics playing right now:
I can't help but smile as I sing along. Thank you God for reminding me. How perfect were these lyrics: I was sitting here, feeling so "far away from home" and so "alone" out here. No one understands the pain. I am feeling angry at my sister-in-laws - feeling a "hardness in my heart" and not understanding / "seeing the truth" in this journey. And then I looked out at my view and felt God with me - I felt His "holy presence." And I instantly felt comforted, I turned to Jesus, and felt a peace.
Yes, this weekend is difficult and painful. Yes it sometimes seems unfair, but through it all, I know God still loves me. I know He has a greater plan for me than I can see right now. This struggle will all be worth it in the end. We will love and appreciate you so much more than had you just been given to us when we first asked. And maybe this time next year, I will be holding you on this porch swing, taking in this incredible view. And until then, we will wait. Faithfully.
The first full day down here was spectacular. The three husbands and myself went on a five mile hike to Rainbow Falls in the Smoky Mountains. The views were stunning. It was so peaceful to be out in the middle of nowhere taking in the sights. I found myself thanking God for the opportunity to go and see something new, another one of his magnificent creations.
Once we got home, things got difficult for me. It is so hard to be around these pregnant bellies. It was different when they weren't showing - still hard - but not in my face every second. Now, every time I look at them I am reminded - they're pregnant, I'm not.
I truly know God has a perfect plan for us and that you will soon be in our lives. But it's just so hard not to wonder, why them? Why not me?
I am typing these words on a gorgeous, crisp morning on the back porch of our cabin looking out on a spectacular view, I am listening to my Let Faith Arise playlist, and realizing in my pain, God is still with me. I know have blogged about this song before, but as I type these are the lyrics playing right now:
When I'm far away from home
And the cool winds start to blow.
When I'm empty and alone, I turn to you.
When there's hardness in my heart
And I can't see the truth.
When I'm wandering in the dark,
I turn to you.
And here in your holy presence
It's all that I can do.
I turn to you Jesus
I turn to you, Lord
What else can I do, Jesus
I turn to you.
I can't help but smile as I sing along. Thank you God for reminding me. How perfect were these lyrics: I was sitting here, feeling so "far away from home" and so "alone" out here. No one understands the pain. I am feeling angry at my sister-in-laws - feeling a "hardness in my heart" and not understanding / "seeing the truth" in this journey. And then I looked out at my view and felt God with me - I felt His "holy presence." And I instantly felt comforted, I turned to Jesus, and felt a peace.
Yes, this weekend is difficult and painful. Yes it sometimes seems unfair, but through it all, I know God still loves me. I know He has a greater plan for me than I can see right now. This struggle will all be worth it in the end. We will love and appreciate you so much more than had you just been given to us when we first asked. And maybe this time next year, I will be holding you on this porch swing, taking in this incredible view. And until then, we will wait. Faithfully.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Change of Plans
Well, we didn't get the news we had hoped for at last Tuesday's appointment, but I also felt a peace in the appointment. Things did not work at all, so once again IUI was called off. I strangely left feeling comfortable with this news. I felt God with us; trusting His perfect plan, trying to perfect my patience.
We left with the following game plan: try shots and femara again, but a lower dose of the injection. I was comfortable with this plan and grateful to dodge IVF again.
Well, just one week later, this plan had to be scraped too. I was first very devastated to put another month on hold. But as always, God showed He has His hand in every step of this journey to you.
We are not doing shots yet because the doctors are out of the office for the next two weeks. So, we are trying one more month of straight pills. I am thankful for this change of plans because I feel like this will eliminate the "what ifs." If this month does not work, I will trust completely that pills alone aren't for us.
But more importantly, I am grateful for this extra month because this is another opportunity for God's hand to be moved. I had thought September was the last chance at our miracle. How silly to limit God! Slowly but surely I am learning to have perfect patience. I am learning that when we don't always get the news we are hoping for that this is just another chance for God to work His miracle. And until He is ready to work this miracle in our lives, we will continue to trust His plan and know in faith believing that you will soon be apart of our lives.
We left with the following game plan: try shots and femara again, but a lower dose of the injection. I was comfortable with this plan and grateful to dodge IVF again.
Well, just one week later, this plan had to be scraped too. I was first very devastated to put another month on hold. But as always, God showed He has His hand in every step of this journey to you.
We are not doing shots yet because the doctors are out of the office for the next two weeks. So, we are trying one more month of straight pills. I am thankful for this change of plans because I feel like this will eliminate the "what ifs." If this month does not work, I will trust completely that pills alone aren't for us.
But more importantly, I am grateful for this extra month because this is another opportunity for God's hand to be moved. I had thought September was the last chance at our miracle. How silly to limit God! Slowly but surely I am learning to have perfect patience. I am learning that when we don't always get the news we are hoping for that this is just another chance for God to work His miracle. And until He is ready to work this miracle in our lives, we will continue to trust His plan and know in faith believing that you will soon be apart of our lives.
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