Another day, another appointment. I'm trying to stay level-headed today. There is no chance of good or bad news today, just being told how many days to do the shots; when my next appointment is; and more blood work, more ultrasounds. A typical, in-between days appointment. I am still trying to stay hopeful and faithful, that these mundane appointments will eventually lead to that fabulous appointment when we hear you are on your way.
This has been somewhat of a challenging week for me. Three days after finding out we weren't pregnant, I was already starting another round of pills and medications. It just seemed to be going too fast. I felt like I was spinning out of control. There was too much to process all at once. I heard this song:
When the world is on your back
And you think that you will never last
When you're lonely and you are confused
I'll be right beside you
When the walls are closing in
And you think you'd rather sink than swim
When there's nothing left for you to lose
I'll be right beside you
I know that as I feel like the walls are closing in this week, that God is right beside me. I know He is holding our hand through this journey and I trust His plan completely.
I go into this appointment trusting Him and knowing that when the time is right, He will work this miracle.
Today's bracelet for my appointment ~ I believe completely!
I thought I should continue my posts of thanks. I have a wonderful life and I really need to dwell on the positive things I have, not the negative that we got yesterday.
So along with hot baths and free cappuccino, I am thankful for an incredible support system. Yesterday and today made me realize how loved we are and what wonderful people I have in my life.
In order to go to the doctor yesterday to have blood drawn, I had to drop everything right away. I had to leave school with no sub and no coverage for my class. A member on my team said, "Go this is more important," and she covered my class for me. She picked them up for me, she took them outside, and she took them to recess. I am so fortunate to work at such a wonderful school. We all get along and we all truly support and care for each other's needs.
I'm thankful for my boss for constantly checking in on me yesterday, peeking her head in my classroom, letting me use her office when I needed to cry, and then texting me throughout the night making sure I was okay. She checked on me first thing this morning and let me know that she was there for me if I need anything at all.
I am thankful for a very dear friend, peeking her head in my classroom today. I could tell she had been avoiding me and wasn't quite sure what to say. She looked truly choked up when she whispered, "Don't give up. It'll happen." I was so grateful for her simple, kind words and the sincerity of her heart.
And most importantly, I am thankful for my incredible family. I have received countless texts, voice mails, and phone calls from them all checking on me making sure I'm doing okay. I have received silly soundbites and Christmas carols to pick me up. I have been able to cry with them when needed and they've been able to offer me comforting words when I needed to listen. I'm so thankful for my sweet husband for comforting and hugging me last night and for just being there for me. I am thankful for the caring card he gave, and beautiful words he wrote:
"Your strength may surprise you. You've been through so much lately, and I know it has taken a lot out you...At times, it must seem like things will never be normal again. But I know that you'll handle it, because you're one of the strongest, most resilient people I've ever known. And anytime in the days and weeks ahead that you need someone to remind you just how wonderful you are, I'm here."
Court, I am sorry things did not go as planned today. (Since when have they on this adventure.) Please keep your strength and hopefulness and one day soon, before you even know it, our little guy / girl will be here. And we are going to be the best parents ever!
I have seen you overcome so many fears and pains. You definitely have champed the needle thing...I have no doubt you can do it again and again if necessary. You are going to be such a wonderful mother that I know God will not deny you the opportunity. Please know that I love you so much and can not imagine my life without you. You are my one true love, my best friend, and companion.
Yesterday was a difficult day, there's no denying that. The days ahead of us will be difficult too. But there is no denying that I have a very blessed life. I have family and friends that love me, I have a wonderful job, and I have the grace of God to get me through each day. You will learn someday too, sweet one, that even in our heartache, there is always something to be thankful for.
This morning I am trying to find the small things to be thankful for amidst my pain. On a cold Wednesday morning, after a super long day yesterday, I'm thankful for cappuccino. Even better, a free cappuccino! Had the results come back positive yesterday, a cappuccino would not be possible. So in the bad, let's be thankful that I can sip some free, hot cappuccino to get me moving this morning!
I'm also thankful for hot bubble baths. Again, something I would not be able to do had the test come back positive. I can now unwind, relax, and de-stress in a nice hot bubble bath.
So, instead of dwelling on the bad, I'm trying to celebrate some good. This morning I'm thankful for hot baths and cappuccinos.
So, after getting the negative results, I called my doctor (I had said I wasn't going to, but decided to follow their requests). They asked me to hurry in and get some blood drawn. That way, I'd know for sure, yes or no (sometimes the home tests aren't as reliable as the blood work).
So, I went.
I didn't get my hopes up...but I wasn't quite as discouraged either. There was still a little bit of hope.
Blood was drawn, easy as pie. The woman was so pleasant and positive, "You're a teacher? Oh honey, you're a momma already. You are going to be a wonderful mother. Don't you worry."
2:00 - 2:30 I was supposed to have a phone call. Nothing.
Conferences started at 2:40. 2:39 my phone rang. Doctor's office.
I decided to take the gamble and answer. I could tell the second I answered the phone it was not good news. However, we had a game plan by the time the call was over.
One ray of light in this gloomy day, my 2:40 conference never showed up. This gave me time to gather myself and regroup. Gave me time to call Keal, call my mom. So, I'm thankful that God had worked that out for me.
Monday, I go in possibly for yet another ultrasound and to start the shots again. And while the shots no longer freak me out (I can handle that easily) I am saddened that this miracle didn't happen. I really thought this was our miracle month. This was the month God was going to prove himself to Keal. And so I find myself going back to where I was a few months ago, asking why. Why would God have allowed this "bonus" month to work, all for it not to have worked. I really just don't understand. Someday, I'm sure I will. Today, I'm just saddened.
So, I'm back to trying to just push forward and survive this day. I am so thankful for this small break in conferences to allow me to write (such therapy for me!). I am trying to trust God's plan. I am hopeful for that glorious day when we finally hear you are on the way. And until then, we will continue to wait, faithfully.
Well, I guess God has a different plan for us. I just really thought this was our month. Everything had worked out so beautifully...and all I thought to His plan. Our "bonus" month ended up turning into our Miracle Month and we were able to finally give IUI a try. I was so thankful for how God's hand was moving. This was going to be the month. I just knew it.
This morning, I took the last pregnancy test I owned. I had told myself, no more negative results. The time I used this last pregnancy test would be the one that worked. I have been saving it since this summer. I would not need to buy anymore.
Last night, I dreamt we were in the doctor's office getting our first ultrasound. Our doctor and nurses were so excited for us. I heard your heartbeat.
I woke up so hopeful.
I woke up to read this...
Today are parent-teacher conferences. I will be at school from 6 AM to 6:30 PM. How I am going to have the strength to get through this day is only with God's help. Today was supposed to be my day. A day of celebration. Today is now going to be a day of survival. Let's just get through the day without breaking down. This morning I was putting....well, attempting....to put on my bracelet. I hadn't really cracked yet. My hands were shaking and the stupid clip wouldn't go through the hole. I think I tried a good five times before throwing it across the bathroom. That was my breaking point. Not being able to put a bracelet on and I was face down on my bathroom floor sobbing.
Oh little one, this world is a funny place. It's a roller coaster ride of ups and downs. Don't get me wrong, it's a wonderful place too. But sometimes things just don't go as you imagained. So, we go back to waiting and wondering when we will meet you. I continue on this journey, faithful, knowing one day you will be ours, but today my heart is just a little heavier.
Well, my sweet little one. It has been eleven days since we were at the doctor's office. And I must confess, these have been the LONGEST eleven days, maybe of my life!! I keep looking at calendars and thinking, "Really? It's only been 2 days....it's only been 3 days..."you get the picture. So, here I am this morning saying, "Really? We still have to wait five days?!" I might burst with all this waiting.
Now that we are so close to knowing yes or no, it is even more difficult to have patience because all of the pregnancy symptoms have started. I have now had two nights in a row of "morning" sickness, unshakeable headaches, and the weepiness is as strong as ever (this time not quite as sad, but more like the tiniest things - happy included - make me cry). And while I welcome these symptoms with open arms if they mean you are on the way, I am trying not to get ahead of myself. Unfortunately, all of the meds that I am on can cause you to feel like you're pregnant too. Which, if you ask me, that is a mean trick! Don't the people who created these drugs know that the people on them want a baby more than anything? And to make the side effects be the same as being pregnant, just mean! So, I'm trying to find the healthy balance between being so very hopeful, yet keeping it in the back of my mind that if God intended for this to work at a different time, we will trust His plan.
Things I am thankful for this morning: the most incredible support team I could ask for. I have received such beautiful texts throughout the week. The first came from a friend from church; she sent me this quote: "Where there is great love, there are always miracles." Let me tell you, little one, there is great love waiting for you! I know that this love that we have for you and that God has for us, is going to work this miracle in our life. I believe that with all my soul.
Later in the week, I got another text from a new friend, "...I need an update on your life in the next 3 days. I haven't forgotten to say extra prayers!" I loved how simple it was, yet how thoughtful; letting me know that even though this week has been busy, she is still thinking about me.
Finally, last night, a dear friend from school sent me this text: "Saw this tonight and thought of you. You are dealing with everything so amazing and its amazing to witness. 'Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love Him.' John 1:12." I was so grateful to receive such encouraging words. She too went through a similar journey to get to her beautiful little boy. Knowing that she comes from a similar place of pain and struggle to get to her miracle, it meant so much to read these words from her.
Throughout this journey I keep coming back to a similar thought, we are so blessed in this life God has given us. There are days that are more difficult than others. There are some situations that sometimes seem unfair in the midst of them. But through it all, God reminds me that I am His and that He loves me. And for that, I am beyond blessed. Thank you, Lord!
It's funny. You'd think by now I would be used to the up-and-downs of this journey. Turns out....I'm not.
You'd think I'd be in a better place right now, knowing we have so much to be hopeful for right now. Turns out...I'm not.
Yesterday was such a down day for me. During our staff meeting, we announced yet another pregnancy at school. The pregnant culprit decided to share with us, "Yep. Definitely didn't want this right now. We weren't trying at all, so this came as a complete surprise. But, it'll be a good thing." Cue me ready to slug her in the face. So frustrating to hear people make such flippant comments about their "oops baby," when I am praying and trying so hard for my miracle baby! After the meeting, I was of course greeted with several comments of, "Oh I thought for sure it was you." I wanted to say, "Yep, should've been me for over a year and a half now, nope, still not."
So, after that sucker punch, I got to spend Halloween with my two pregnant sister-in-laws again. And I know I should be happy for them. But I just can't get there. I can't feel happy for them when they have what I've wanted for so long. And, to add salt to the wound, my mother-in-law decided last night was a perfect time to plan their fun double baby shower. "How fun that the sisters are pregnant together and both having boys. They're gonna grow up to be such good little buddies." I mean really?? That couldn't have been discussed while I was outside or out of the room? And really -- both sisters pregnant? I wanted to jump up and down and say, "Hello! Sister here...not pregnant!" Instead, I cried. Story of my life these days. Happy. Sad. Happy. Sad.
I made the comment to Keal last night, "I just can't do this anymore." I'm not really sure what I ever mean when I say that. I definitely don't mean fighting for you. Maybe I mean being around pregnant women. Maybe I mean trying to mask my pain. Maybe I mean not shouting at people when in their ignorance they make insensitive comments. I don't know. But I felt like giving up last night.
But wait. It gets better! I then got to spend my one time of peace....my dreams....in more misery!! All night long I dreamt about my sister-in-laws and their sons. They kept trying to force me to hold them and I just wouldn't do it. I'm surrounded by babies everywhere I turn -- during day time and my dreams.
So, I woke up sad today too. I got to work and turned on Pandora. The first song that came on was one I had never heard. It was so perfect for me.
How perfect, after I said, "I can't do this anymore," after feeling like I'm ready to quit, God whispers, "Don't give up. Help is surely on its way." Oh. How wonderful the Lord is.
And as if this wasn't enough, God shows how much He truly loves me and continues to bless me! Every single song after this one, was one from my Let Faith Arise playlist! So, in my pain and sadness today, I have to say, Thank you God! Thank you for your grace and for still comforting me. I am sometimes so ashamed of the feelings of jealousy I get during this journey. So thank you Lord, for forgiving me of that and still loving me. We serve a wonderful, Lord! As I blogged on Monday, rejoice in the Lord ALWAYS. So even in my pain, I rejoice that I have such a merciful savior.
