Heavy Heart pt2

So, after getting the negative results, I called my doctor (I had said I wasn't going to, but decided to follow their requests). They asked me to hurry in and get some blood drawn. That way, I'd know for sure, yes or no (sometimes the home tests aren't as reliable as the blood work).

So, I went.

I didn't get my hopes up...but I wasn't quite as discouraged either. There was still a little bit of hope.

Blood was drawn, easy as pie. The woman was so pleasant and positive, "You're a teacher? Oh honey, you're a momma already. You are going to be a wonderful mother. Don't you worry."

2:00 - 2:30 I was supposed to have a phone call. Nothing.

Conferences started at 2:40. 2:39 my phone rang. Doctor's office.

I decided to take the gamble and answer. I could tell the second I answered the phone it was not good news. However, we had a game plan by the time the call was over.

One ray of light in this gloomy day, my 2:40 conference never showed up. This gave me time to gather myself and regroup. Gave me time to call Keal, call my mom. So, I'm thankful that God had worked that out for me.

Monday, I go in possibly for yet another ultrasound and to start the shots again. And while the shots no longer freak me out (I can handle that easily) I am saddened that this miracle didn't happen. I really thought this was our miracle month. This was the month God was going to prove himself to Keal. And so I find myself going back to where I was a few months ago, asking why. Why would God have allowed this "bonus" month to work, all for it not to have worked. I really just don't understand. Someday, I'm sure I will. Today, I'm just saddened.

So, I'm back to trying to just push forward and survive this day. I am so thankful for this small break in conferences to allow me to write (such therapy for me!). I am trying to trust God's plan. I am hopeful for that glorious day when we finally hear you are on the way. And until then, we will continue to wait, faithfully.